anxiety creeps up around my shoulders and knots my stomach. do i have any relaxants in the house? my jaw feels wired and sore, and tongue dry, as if i'm coming down from amphetamines. i feel hungry but i know if i eat i'll feel nauseous. i have so much to do but tension paralyzes. i think, maybe a cup of tea. but between that thought and putting the kettle on lie a thousand obstacles - unread emails, IMs, undone pieces, an ocean of waiting to hear if i got the job or not; i don't think i can manage a cup of tea, quite yet.

ryan lent me some movies, some of his favorites. i long to lose myself in one of them for a couple of hours this afternoon. but the tension is too high. i don't think i can.

i snapped at jesse today on the phone.

we have houseguests. they are very sweet, but they transform the house. i didn't realize they'd be here this long. i can't get in to work in the office at times, because that is their bedroom. i am anxious that they will return before i am done. my time slips away. i need to work. but i don't think i can.

i need a cigarette. i'm out. i can't leave the house because i forgot that my keys are with the houseguests.

it's raining. inside and out.