bathed in sadness

i had a dream last night about my mom. i can't remember exactly what happened, but we were staying in a small house in rural japan and one evening we were taking a bath together. she was soaking in the tub while i washed my hair. she said something, i turned to her, and suddenly i so felt the weight of her unfulfilled hopes and dreams that i started to cry. i woke up instantly and my throat felt raw, as if i'd been screaming and sobbing.

but perhaps i'm just getting sick.

don't drive in the flood

last night i dreamt that i was getting ready to go to high school on a cold rainy winter day. i put on my clothes and my sweater and realized i was still cold. big furry boots and a scarf - still cold. i borrowed my sister's huge parka, which looked so fluffy and warm, but when i put it on, it felt thin and insubstantial and i was still cold.

as i was getting dressed, i listened to the radio. an advisory came on, telling me that it was unsafe to drive, and if i needed to get somewhere this morning, i should call the police and they'd send a big truck escort. i thought i would be okay driving myself, but i called just in case. "okay, hang tight; we'll come pick you up," they said. and i sat down to wait.

and then i woke up. and i was cold.

the weather's turned so suddenly. seems like only a few days ago that it was almost too hot to sleep under the covers. and now i can't get warm enough, it seems.

cupid ok!

i'm not looking, but antares mentioned the tests, so i checked out the site ok cupid and took their personality test. it's well-written and funny.

and i think it's only fitting that my results showed me to be The Playstation: easy to turn on, hard to beat.

but there are so many tests, it's rather overwhelming.

voices

do you remember how elliot smith killed himself?

he stabbed himself, didn't he? what an outrageous way to go. isn't there something easier?

like kurt cobain's way? a gun?

i don't know if that's any easier.

i think it's supposed to be hard. i think maybe they wanted it that way. to be sure - they were choosing death.

no one chooses death, not in his right mind.

how do you know which mind is right?

last night it felt like someone was gripping my heart with a hand of iron. i lay in bed on my back and i could imagine the relief of plunging a knife right into the center of my chest. i've never felt that before. i didn't understand elliot smith before but maybe i do now.

a voice tried to soothe me, saying, this isn't really you; just breathe and hold on and it will pass.

how do i know which is really me?

i'm sorry i haven't called you back. i'm sorry i haven't written - the words seem to vanish before i can type them. but i love you. and i just need a little time to discover my right mind.

the mystery of x

i dreamt i was filming a video in the streets of the Lower East Side. the girls were on skateboards. it was in black and white, with a dreamy, underwater shimmeriness that was at once pleasant and melancholy. in some scenes i was the second girl; in others, another girl replaced me. somehow i believed no one would be able to tell the difference.

i woke up with some embarrassment and a slight feeling of inadequacy. someone's ghost is haunting my sleep.

placebo

sometimes all it takes is a half-remembered song and a memory of last year to remind me to smile. a pot of smuggled jam eaten on fresh bread can help, also.

memories of flame

it's hot and dry today. the wind has shifted direction and it blows strong from the north. it was on a day like today that October that my house burned down. Earthquake weather.

it makes me feel uneasy. i stay inside and drink water.

a setback

just for a moment, i slipped, and the wet leaves hit my face and woke me up. i caught a shiny acorn in my hand as it fell from the oak tree, before it hit the ground.

last night i dreamed someone i trusted was holding me prisoner. a friend came to visit and i desperately tried to convey to him my predicament but i couldn't say it out loud. my hand cramped with anxiety as i scribbled a warning on a piece of paper. i woke up while it was still dark out and couldn't go back to sleep. the sleeping body beside me offered no comfort. in my dream he was a prisoner, too.

you can be fooled

sometimes you think it's going to make you feel better, and it ends up making you feel worse. why is that? my instincts turn out to be so wrong. how can warm feelings and comfort melt away? i've got a heart of crystal now. and i'm a fool for believing it could have been any different.

longing

the days are cloudy and cool and i think of lisa who loves the cloud cover. i prefer the sun. the grey sky saps my energy. could it be that we exist in a direct balance with each other, strong when one is weak, and vice versa? i'm willing to rest today if i can imagine that she's out conquering the world. perhaps tomorrow will be my day.