blur

been staring at the screen for seven straight hours now. shower and band practice seem like utterly foreign customs.

and when i try to look out the window i see a blur of sunshine.

there are some days like this.

jump for joy

great weekend! the weather was perfect (again) and friends were in town! including Team HP and Wondergirl Robin!

on saturday Team HP (aka Souris and Silvio) hosted a potluck lunch which continued well into the evening. we took some jump photos of course. then we ate some more, drank, and played Halo, Fifa, and finally, Apples to Apples. turns out i can trounce jesse at Halo but he whips my butt in Fifa. seems fitting somehow since he's all Euro le foot player and i'm a genetically engineered cyborg.

then the next morning we met for dim sum. it was jesse's first time. at first he tried to collect items on his plate, all civilized-like, and wait for everyone to get his or her portion before starting in. but he was quickly disabused of that notion and he probably ate fastest of all.

afterwards we took some more photos - i'm fond especially of this one. and then we parted ways. till next time, my dear little jumping beans!

tech blues

i lost my power supply to my laptop somewhere in San Jose during the Game Developer's Conference. seems i can't go anywhere without losing something these days.

also, my server was down - AGAIN. i've like Dreamhost but this is the second time in six months my websites and emails have crashed for a significant amount of time. it may be time for a change.

regrets

lisa posted her photos of SXSW... she got there the day I left, unfortunately. next year i'm staying for all the music!!

ROR

Eileen sent me this. It made me and Jesse ROR.

small affection

i must say i quite like this fellow, thom thumb. he has something of a priggish, yet still endearing, tone. and who doesn't like bats? bats are cool.

i heart austin

i must admit that i was originally not very excited to go to sxsw. i was feeling tired and burnt out.

but i'm here and part of me doesn't want to leave. i miss people at home, of course. my sister, my friends; but what if they could all come with me? for example the citizens here and abroad played a great show last night, and it was so fun to see them in the context of this city i love. lisa is coming, too, but she'll be flying in the day i fly out. i wish i'd planned better.

and the weather is very sexy. slightly overcast, warm and humid, tropical. there's a slight sheen to my skin, and drops collect heavily on the trees and drip onto my shoulders and in my hair. it's wet all the time. wet and warm.

and that of course makes me think of the boy. and yet i am invoking him often, in coversations, phone calls on other people's phones, traces of his presence on the web, in my email box; but also my mind seems to recreate him everywhere. i imagine i see glimpses of him through the crowds. and last night i dreamt that he walked into the conference hall, with his book bag over his shoulder, looking for me.

and then i woke up and found myself alone on the floor of a hotel room, with the chrises sleeping like a pair of angels on one side of me and dan and adrienne peacefully snuggled together on the other. i got up, took a quick shower, had a coffee and a cigarette, and kicked ass on my ten am panel.

i'm flying home tomorrow morning. flying to home, to friends, to family. but love is all around me no matter where i am.

lame

went to a lame party friday night and got my bag stolen.

the money's not a big deal but i JUST GOT MY NEW DRIVER'S LICENSE. and i'm supposed to fly to Austin tomorrow morning.

AND my cell phone... with all those numbers ... gone. i feel handicapped without the mobile device.

so, hey, email me your phone number so i can get in touch with you again.

but at least the sun is still shining and love is in the air. so it's not as bad as it could be.

missus

connie sent me this, knowing my love for the young hip hopper.

"too bad there's no Mrs. Law or Mrs. Bloom," she noted.

speaking of which, Bloom is engaged to Kate Bosworth? hm.

track it

i'd forgotten - and was reminded again in a conversation last night - how fucking awesome Fame Tracker is.

a wastrel's diary

yesterday was a total waste. we woke up and the sun was brilliant, flooding the room with light. we told each other our dreams. we made coffee, cut some grapefruit, and we had breakfast on the patio where it was warm before noon, which in the bay area is a precious occurrence not to be wasted. we smoked in the sun and told tales of the past until it was time to go. we both had work to do.

we parted. i went home, tried to concentrate. the birds sang outside, a raucous joyous cacophony. the breeze stirred the fresh plum blossoms so they whispered against my window. the window let in the fragrance of young leaves, cut grass, and a wind that's traveled thousands of miles across a pure ocean.

around 2 pm - i'd only been home for about three hours - i got a call. he was leaving early. but don't you have things to do?

well, i do too. but i'm hungry.

we went to lunch on 4th street. we walked in the sun. he had a torta al pastor which may be the new best sandwich in the universe (the former best sandwich in the universe is available at Espresso Experience in berkeley - they call it "beef teriaki" but really it's bul gol gi.) we dropped into Crate and Barrel like a couple of yuppies and he bought some highball glasses. i took him to Sur La Table and he went a little nuts.

he: (holding up something that looks like a grater) i should get this.
me: what? what is it? you already have a grater.
he: (proudly) it's a plantain slicer.

a moment to melt my heart.

we went back to my house, we split a bottle of Corona on the back deck (he can't hang out inside because of the cats) and he read while i worked on the laptop in the shade until the batteries died. the sun dipped lower in the sky, making the air heavy and golden. the hills took on such a rich deep color. i feel like i want to paint, i said.

we talked about the garden. what would make it nicer. once the weeds are cleared out - maybe a patio area, maybe some fruit trees in the back, maybe maybe.

so, you have some work to do tonight? some fascist philosophy to study? yes. but even fascists have to eat, right? i couldn't let go of this perfect day. he let me distract him with kisses.

he studied diligently while i picked up some meat - they had a gorgeous chateaubriand for not too much money.

came back to his place. we opened the wine and rubbed the rich soft beef with a little olive oil and some salt and pepper. we put it on the grill outside. the stars were out, the moon was nearly full.

there's a rabbit in the moon, you know, i said.

where? show me.

see, his his ears go off that way, his head is over there, and that's his body. in Japan we say that he's making mochi.

why would a rabbit make mochi?

it's a Buddhist tale. i mean, without the mochi. Buddha was in the forest, dying of starvation. all the animals in the forest wanted to save him, so they went off and gathered food for him. the bear brought berries, the deer brought leaves, i don't know. but the rabbit looked for food everywhere and couldn't find any. so in front of Buddha the rabbit built a little fire, and when it was hot he threw his body into it, saying that the Buddha should eat him, as he had no other gift.

Buddha was so moved that he put the rabbit in the moon.

so he didn't eat the rabbit after all? no, i'm joking. that's a beautiful story. it's better than saying the moon's a big wheel of cheese.

ha. that's such a frenchman's fantasy. "look at all that cheese!"

"we must get it before the americans do!"

our laughter mingles with the laughter wafting up from the bar down the street. i can't imagine anyone's being unhappy today. the evening is still warm - i am wearing a short skirt and a light linen shirt loosely knotted over a bikini. i close my eyes and dream of the tropics, of palm trees and sand and bare-breasted women carrying fruit baskets.

the meat was done, perfectly, just the way i like it - dark on the outside, dripping bloody on the inside. it was so tender you almost didn't need a knife. and for dessert, a tiny bite of fudgelike brownie warmed in the oven and some ice cream to cover it.

sensual pleasures only beget desire for more. i've been thinking lately of the seven deadly sins. i'm not much prone to Envy these days, nor Greed. Pride - or Vanity, perhaps more appropriately - is a weakness but it does not control me. Wrath i have struggled with in my past but i feel it very rarely now. Gluttony i must admit to once in a while, especially last night. But my deadly pitfalls are Lust and Sloth. ah, lust and sloth. they often vie for prominence in my life. i often think they ought to be packaged together - two sins for the price of one! we joke about it: Slust, we say.

although i am not sure - i mean, i can see how Wrath and Greed and Envy are destructive and deadly. i am not so sure about Lust and Sloth. a day like yesterday was made for Sloth, Gluttony, and Lust. today i will practice industriousness, sensible eating, and chastity. but let me have one day of a wastrel's pleasures. the luxury of a wasted day not wasted on working.

and let me not be too strict on that chastity thing later tonight, either.

through the fog

we saw The Fog of War last night. what a superbly crafted documentary, and unexpectedly moving.

the film is subtitled, "eleven lessons from the life of Robert S. McNamara." many of the lessons, by the way, are the same you would learn from playing a lot of war games, particularily numbers 1, 4, 6, 7, and 8. of course in a game you have the freedom of operating without moral concerns of killing thousands of people for strategy's sake.

the lessons are:

1. Empathize with your enemy.

2. Rationality will not save us.

3. There's something beyond oneself.

4. Maximize efficiency.

5. Proportionality should be a guideline in war.

6. Get the data.

7. Belief and seeing are both often wrong.

8. Be prepared to reexamine your reasoning.

9. In order to do good, you may have to engage in evil.

10. Never say never.

11. You can't change human nature.

today i shall ponder these, and perhaps play a little Age of Empires.

dinner party

i dreamt i was at a dinner party at a very nice apartment in san francisco. jesse's friend tom was hosting it. he had made all this wonderful food, which included oysters baked in butter and garlic as well as some sort of tomato soup which smelled delicious. we were just about ready to eat but we were still expecting jesse. i was very hungry so i went ahead and served myself and sat down at the table in the dining room. everyone else was still in the kitchen getting their plates.

i wanted to start eating, but i thought it would be polite to wait, so i waited. the doorbell rang. "that's jesse," said tom, and went to go open the door. from the dining room i could hear the conversation in the foyer.

jesse: is your sister still mad at me?
tom: no, don't worry about it it, it's cool.
jesse: i think i really pissed her off last time.
tom: nah, she's forgotten all about it.

i sat staring at my baked oysters and my tomato soup.

it wasn't until i told jesse about the dream that he told me tom did indeed have a sister. in my dream she and jesse had gotten into an argument over politics.

i woke up really hungry.

skin

i dreamt i was using a lotion on my face which faded away my freckles. i looked in the mirror and saw a stranger.