i want a wedding

... but i don't want to get married. i want to wear a beautiful dress and have a big party with all my friends and family and i want to have a fancy dinner and dancing and strange little rituals and speeches and drunk bridesmaids making out with the groomsmen.

and when i wake up on my honeymoon i want to still be single.

maybe my next birthday party will be a wedding party.

i think it's time we went ahead and banned this whole antiquated marriage business anyway - same sex, different sex, polygamy, all of it. it stinks of religion, it's outdated, the state should have nothing to do with it. go ahead and get married under whatever faith you choose, but leave the state out of it.

civil unions for everyone!!

lucky pants

my sister's back from japan, where she attended our cousin's wedding. to my extreme chagrin i couldn't go because i didn't get my passport renewed in time. (man, what is it with me and documents of identification?!?) the pictures from the wedding were beautiful.

she also brought me back a cute pair of red lacy underpants, a gift from my aunt Sumiko. apparently it's very lucky to wear red underpants in the year of the monkey. but, a monkey has to buy them for you. my aunt's a monkey.

also, so is someone else. hint hint.

juuuuust kidding. do i seem obsessed with underwear? what would Freud say?

ruining it for everyone

I just saw two music videos in a row that were 80's covers: No Doubt doing a terribly boring version of Talk Talk's classic new wave hit, "It's My Life". And if that weren't bad enough, mopey losers 311 (remember them?) covering The Cure's Love Song.

Ugh! I need to take a shower now.

ooh la la!

the definition of cheeky underwear.

if only i had a few hundred £s to spare!

Kinkier than Bondage

I'm a cute Chinese communist in shapeless grey sack-cloth with the little red book tucked securely into my pocket. He's an Italian fascist in a sexy well-fitting blackshirt and a moustache. We try to convert each other - in bed.

So. Very. Naughty!

Okay, I've had way too much coffee today.

Driving Update

I went to the DMV today (thanks so much to Lisa who got up super early so we could go to the Walnut Creek branch* at 8 am!) and guess what? The officer who told me my license was suspended was smoking CRACK. I am totally a legal driver, nothing on my record. I just reapplied for a new one (since he had confiscated my license). And took a new photo, which was nice, although I'm sure I looked pretty tired.

Thank goodness! I think I'll go drive around town now.

* I love the Walnut Creek branch of the DMV. People there are very pleasant and we were in and out of there in less than 35 minutes. Couldn't ask for a more pleasant DMV experience.

triangle

i dreamt that i was at a party with a lot of tech people. i was having a pretty good time talking to one nice guy who looked a lot like Richard Kind. he was funny in that dry, self-deprecating way i really like. perhaps i had had a lot to drink but i started flirting with him quite fluidly and easily. he said, after a certain point, "hey, do you want to go to the Caribbean with me? just for a day. i mean, i have a private jet type thing, so if you wanted to - we wouldn't have to spend the night."

i was completely non-plussed. a private jet? i didn't know what to say. "um, sure," i said. i mean, why not?

so we went for a day, and i don't remember that part, but it was great i think. he was a complete gentleman, and brought me home that night, as promised.

then later that week we were both invited to a small dinner party in a cozy New York apartment with beautiful wood floors and wood paneling in the dining room. the man - i think his name was Paul - and i again flirted heavily. we even kissed. then somehow the question of my coming over to his place came up. "i could just have my driver come round whenever you're ready to go," he said.

i smiled, but suddenly i wasn't sure. i pictured getting into bed with him, and i just couldn't do it. so in my dream i pretended to fall asleep on the couch or something and the hostess of the dinner party let me stay the night.

a few weeks later i was at another event in the daytime, some sort of end-of-conference party at a resort. the hotel decor was very South Beach, with pale pearly pink and ecru and a lot of wicker and palm trees. we were near the ocean. i was wearing a long floral dress.

i was standing by the outdoor bar when a good-looking man caught my eye. he had soft dark hair and a moustache, and was wearing a slightly rumpled black suit with a white shirt. sort of a young latino johnny depp. he smiled at me, and we started talking. "this place is beautiful, but you should get out of hotel and on to the beach," he said. "let's go take a ride - i've got my employer's car."

oh my goodness, it was Miguel, Paul's driver. i smiled my most flirtatious smile, because i really liked him. he had a directness that i admired. "well, i might have to go this party later tonight," i said.

"do you have a date?"

"mmmm, not yet." smile, smile, smile.

"maybe i could be your date."

"maybe you could."

i excused myself to go get a snack from inside. at the buffet table i met yet another young man, Jason. he had wholesome looks often described as "All-American" - a squared-off jaw, steely blue eyes, light brown hair. not my type, generally - too clean-cut. but i guess i was on a roll or something because we started talking. "are you going to this party thing later tonight?" he asked.

"i was thinking about it. why, were you?"

"maybe. i'd go if you'd come as my date."

it turned out that he was the son of Paul, the first man i'd met weeks ago.

what a soap opera!

wedded bliss

it makes me want to cry that so many people are troubled by the union of two adults who love each other.

please. they are not hurting you. leave them alone to be happy together. it's just a piece of paper. it means more to them than it does to you. let it go, and try to find happiness in your own life.

the Science of Attraction

My Physical Attraction test results were pretty predictable:

Some may call one of your types "Pretty Boys," but all you know is that they're gorgeous. The combination of classic good looks with small noses, beautiful eyes, and full lips is hard to resist. These guys tend to be clean shaven, have clear skin, and get good hair cuts. They're taking good care of themselves so they can be "pretty" just for you! Hm. Sounds suspiciously like a younger version of the metrosexual.

Another of the "looks" that you consistently noticed has been described as "The Boy Next Door." He has an open face, with big eyes, and a big grin. He has a youthful or boyish quality that will follow him throughout his life. Typically this look is associated with light brown hair, a close shave, and blue or hazel eyes. These guys convey a warm, trusting impression, but watch out for that mischievous side! Who doesn't like a nice smile? And a mischievous side is just fine with me.

This does describe many of the men I've dated. Regardless of race or ethnicity, I tend to pick extremely handsome men with great smiles and open personalities. Although I romanticize the brooding loner, I haven't hooked up very often with the mopey, introverted guy - maybe simply because the friendly happy guy talks to me first. I like pretty boys and I like party boys. Boys who like to dance and laugh and talk and play music and try almost anything, just for fun.

I also know someone else who happens to fit the type. What a lucky girl am I!

Bleak Black

Do you sometimes get the that dread in the pit of your stomach, that wakes you up a couple times an hour early in the morning while it's still dark out?

And then when you wake up it's raining and you feel like there's nothing you can do. All you really want is to go back to bed and sleep through today, hope tomorrow is better.

But of course it won't be, until you deal with today.

Touring Test

The days slip away into pleasantly blurred memories; the evenings are flushed with action, and then given over gently to a blissfully alcohol-fueled sleep. I have woken up every morning to stretch and look over the hazy shape of my day, no real plans except to feed my body and get it to the next club. Sometimes I read. Sometimes I shop. I try to do some yoga every morning, it makes me feel as if my body has been wound up like a clock, re-invigorated. And the sun shines every day.

If this is being on tour, then I want to do it all the time.

Tour 2

"You sang a song as you packed up your bags..." - a song we hardly ever perform anymore.

We're going on a trip to Los Angeles. We've got six shows, I think, in five days. We're supposedly playing Spaceland Tuesday night, but it hasn't been completely confirmed... maybe we'll just show up. It'll be hectic but good. We all have stuff to do, so we'll try to be online when we can.

Touring is interesting. Time seems to be in suspense, because all your daily routines are so different from your "real" life. You wake up in some stranger's house, you go get coffee, you get some food, and then you decide where to go that day - and you don't go to "work" until the evening. You show up at the club around 5 for soundcheck, you might grab some food, you sit around, you drink, you talk to people, and then you play. There's a massive adrenaline rush, and then it's all over. You pack up. Sometimes you hang out afterwards, usually at a very chill after-party; once in a while you get back in the van and drive on to your next destination. But you don't sleep until the wee hours of the morning.

And the next day you wake up and do it all over again, different club, different bands... it's a bit surreal.

Well, anyhow, see you soon.

Argh

I got pulled over tonight on my way home from dinner. 3 citations for the price of one.

Sometimes I am a complete idiot.

I'm going to bed now.

i can

live without fear. can't i?

crush the fear in my heart and replace it, molecule by molecule, with the stuff of love.

Evidence 4

...and, ladies and gentlemen, Lisa Nola's photos are in.

I miss it so. I think I got addicted to the hot tub.

(left to right: me in orange, lisa in front, jesse, chris g, eric, audra)
so much debauchery...

Tahoe Pictorial

	Ah, 29 degrees feels GOOD! where the hell is my parka?
	Saturday morning breakfast: blueberry pancakes, eggs with bacon, potatoes, toast. Delicious.
	Lara and Randy were among the Saturday morning cooks. They'd also brought a fantastic supply of food - Niman ranch meats, fresh organic produce, and beautiful salmon fillets that would be Saturday dinner.
	Randy and Chris check the oven while Jesse waits for a fresh pot of coffee. One problem with the place was that the coffee pot was far too small for a bunch of caffeine addicts like ourselves.
	Eric makes some eggs. Or something. He looks very serious about it, doesn't he?
	Ladies are waiting to be served.
	Dan and Adrienne: Please, no pictures! no pictures!
	Well, okay - just this one.

Much Trivial Pursuit was played, often accompanied by wine or Bushmills or both. The consensus: the game takes far too long. Also: fuck the green pie. Nobody likes the green pie.
All right, who's responsible for these? It says something - not sure what - about me that I look better unconscious than I do awake and sober. Hm. Anyhow, you can see I have a goofy dream-happy grin on my face. And my laptop is paused on NeverWinter Nights. Note the empty glass of wine, too, and the towel from hot-tubbing earlier. What's not to smile about?

Jesse got some new sunglasses. They fit right into Harrah's. Especially with that black turtleneck. I felt like calling him Rölf for the rest of the day.

Math Day?

Why is Google all fractal-ly today?

attacked

i dreamt that i lived in a small village which hadn't seen warfare in a long time. we had peace treaties with neighboring tribes, and we felt safe and secure. then one evening, a villager ran into the town shouting that we were under attack. one of the tribes had broken their pact with us. we were ill-prepared to defend ourselves. i was the senior warrior in the village, and it was my responsibility to decide what to do. my instinct was to fight - i felt angry, betrayed, and a surge of aggression coursed through me. but as i looked around at the frightened villagers, i realized we would never stand a chance against our enemy. i decided to give orders that everyone gather what they could and run to the hills, to hide in the numerous caves there.

i ran through the village, prodding and shouting and motivating my fellow tribespeople. when i was sure that everyone had at least received the order, i began to retreat myself. in my path i found an old couple - a man and a woman - and i took them under my wing, although i knew they would slow me down. as i hastened them along, i noticed a young woman with a baby trying to wrap some food up in a scarf. i hurried over to her. "there's no time for that - come on," i told her. i tugged at her elbow. "i know you can do it."

we five - the grandmother and the grandfather, the mother and the baby, and i, the warrior woman - hurried to the hills. i knew of a cave there which, although very small, was hard to find and big enough to shelter us. the terrain was tough going for my crew, who stumbled with exhaustion several times. grimly i kept them going with encouragement mixed with threats. several times i circled back to help my struggling charges, one by one, often physically carrying them up the hill.

we finally made it to the cave - really nothing more than a tiny hole in the rock where the five of us could crouch. i told the young woman to quiet her baby, and told the others to sit still and wait. i sat with an arrow in my bow. from my seat i could see the outline of the cave mouth clearly. the sun had set and now the moon rose. it was cold. we could hear the sounds of the village below us being destroyed - the wailing of women and children, the sounds of fire crackling. but we, at least, were safe, and i was determined that we should stay that way.

suddenly a shape obscured the moonlight in front of me. i fired my arrow. it hit the man in the throat, and he toppled over backwards and fell gently down the mountain. the adrenaline coursed through my veins as i got another arrow ready.

i woke up with my heart pounding.

Evidence 3

And from Jason Proctor, who came up Saturday in his RX-7.

I love the one of a mock-angry Koxvold.

And just what are we staring at so seriously?

Evidence 2

And also photos from Audra, taken with her cute little spycam.

Evidence

More photos from Tahoe - from Jason Koxvold. And more to follow, I'm sure.

I especially love this one of Adam in the hot tub.

I love my friends. Happy birthday, Adam.