an icy light lances through the window and i can hear the patter of rain on the roof. a cup of coffee keeps me warm but won't feed my soul. still, i think things are getting better.

tonight is girl night, after a long hiatus. i tried to write this morning in honor of it. i stared at the blank screen for a while, sometimes typing and then deleting. i have the urge to write, all the time these days, but my creative spark slumbers under the covers and i don't know how to wake it up.

it should be easy to write. tap a vein, let it flow. i dream of doing that. for inspiration i read. not novels, lately, but histories. simon schama. carlo ginzburg. t.j. clark. i like to lose myself in other times, other places, and by wandering back home, find my voice.

when i was in elementary school we were visited by a story-teller. she cast a spell on me with a Nordic tale of children with no shadows. i shivered at night thinking about it.

i am prone to fear. inexplicably, they seem to increase as i get older. i used to be afraid of the dark, of ghosts, of vampires, of all the natural enemies of humans and bright, clean living. now i am afraid of things that make no sense. phone calls from numbers i don't recognize. noises outside that i can't explain. balloons. champagne corks. the last two are a drag at parties. and i can't explain them. i used to blow up balloons carelessly, i've opened bottles of champagne with hardly a thought. now i have to literally leave the room if someone is about to uncork the bubbly. i also have to avoid touching or even being near balloons.

sometimes i really wonder, am i crazy? one night in Paris after smoking enough hash to get an elephant high i got home and went to the bathroom. as i washed my hands, the sound of running water in the sink transformed into a soft, whispery voice. it was telling me what to do. i withdrew my hands and listened. i was strangely calm about it. it was actually not a single voice, but several, whispering in unison, very rapidly. i wish i could remember what they said. my greatest fear is that i will hear those voices again, and that they will not leave me. and i'll finally have to give in to my insanity.