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October 05, 2004you can be fooled
sometimes you think it's going to make you feel better, and it ends up making you feel worse. why is that? my instincts turn out to be so wrong. how can warm feelings and comfort melt away? i've got a heart of crystal now. and i'm a fool for believing it could have been any different. posted by jane at October 5, 2004 12:28 AM | TrackBackComments
I can relate - sometimes life sucks, and people let you down. I also know that sometimes I'm standing in a beautiful field filled with metaphorical flowers, and all I can do is stare at the cow patty in the corner. When i get to feeling that way I try and get myself to look up and around, at everything else that is so right. It doesn;t make the sorrow go away, but it does give me some measure offaith that my current feelings will pass if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and walk with purpose. Good luck on your present journey. Posted by: Loser at October 5, 2004 12:45 AMdid you and jesse break up? Posted by: me at October 5, 2004 02:35 PMWe're each of us most vulnerable to the ones we love, and with pairs, sometimes this combination of vulnerabilities can feel devastating to traverse. My own guess is that it's always a potential aspect of any true bond between people. In my own experience, what matters most is caring, and time/experience will eventually fix the rest. My heart goes out to you, though, and please don't hesitate to call. Posted by: antares at October 5, 2004 05:16 PMhow can warm feelings and comfort melt away? I don't know that anyone can have an answer to that. My own answer to finding myself in that situation (and I have, we all find ourselves there sometimes) is that I should never get too warm and confortable, for otherwise there will be no one to bother stoking the fire. But it's neither here nor there, since I wouldn't know how your warm feelings melted away. Posted by: Annalisa at October 5, 2004 06:27 PMI've been thinking about you lately Jane, and hope that you are doing okay. I am still submerged in my own bout of depression, but I think (and really hope) I've seen the worst of it. My coping mechanisms these days are Paxil and working daily on my paintings and sculptures. I also (because of strict doctors orders) gave up self medicating with booze and drugs. I'm bored as hell but I seem to cry a little less. I don't know if any of that is useful. If nothing else, know you are not alone. I've never met you, but I am constantly wishing you well. Posted by: alison at October 5, 2004 09:08 PMSooner or later, everyone we depend on will let us down. Sooner or later, we will let down everyone who depends on us. I hate it, both ways, and if I were a moderately powerful deity, I would change it, but until then, I do my best to accept that even those we believe in more than we do ourselves are only human, and can't always put us first. That doesn't make the love we share any less real, any less powerful, or any less enduring, it just makes it somewhat imperfect, which is really the absolute best we can hope for outside of sentimental movies and fairy tales. (I'm sure someone out there is truly living the dream, but I'm divorced, what more do you want...!) It's happened to me so many times -- someone I have utmost faith in does something inconceivably thoughtless, and it feels like my entire understanding of the world has been upended. It hurts just as much every damn time. I ask myself, how can I possibly trust anyone after that?? But have any of my dearest friends, partners, even ex-es (anyone other than my parents...) ever disappointed me when I've actually *asked* for their support? No, never. So when I feel like people just utterly suck, I try to remind myself that they have their own lives to deal with, and all the shit I go through every day is happening to them, too, and it's a miracle any of us ever get far enough outside our own heads to care about and give to others. It's all about managing expectations, and being realistic about mind-reading abilities. If you really need someone to be there for you, make sure you spell it out c-l-e-a-r-l-y! And if they still blow you off for no good reason, well, then, they do suck and you should consign them to your fun-to-hang-with-but-selfish-and-unreliable list and go talk to someone else on your would-walk-through-fire-to-save-me-from-cannibals list... which is probably a much longer list than you realize. Posted by: JP at October 6, 2004 12:38 AMthat was beautiful JP. Logo Natures Sunshine Products Posted by: Nature's Sunshine at October 8, 2004 04:12 PMWow, pompom. That's about the most heartfelt piece of marketing/advertising I've ever read. My favourite lines are: "Logo et sonnerie / annonces repondeur / message repondeur / Laissez moi danser / Polyphonique". Beautiful. Fight the good fight, Jane. We got your back. J Go away, spam bots. Leave her alone. 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 silly, fun, kinda interesting cinematic effects; paced like a videogame. The Rock is a decent comic actor as well as credible action hero. cool fighting scenes.  in spite of some good performances, i couldn't get over the condescending tone. it's a classic case of straight guy pretending to be gay, getting the girl and a better job, and safely being able to declare that he's straight - and escaping thr real problems of homophobia. left me feeling a little icky.  lulu gave me this book. it's magical. set in a fantasy industrial age new york city, suffused with mythology.  a great game. scary. i can't play it unless jesse's home. even then it's hard. i make him play it so i can cower behind the blanket and tell him to watch out for the bad guys. yeah, i'm that much of a wimp.
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