Umami Tsunami: Day Twelve

Fuck. Good thoughts your way.

Go ahead and break down in front of the others. Go ahead and ask them for support. It'll only get worse if you don't, so let it out now. Don't hold it in. Call your friends. Do what you have to do. Your bandmates will understand. If they don't, fuck 'em, but I think they will.

Posted by: Jason at August 24, 2004 05:09 PM

Definitely talk to your bandmates. Holding stuff in never helps, it's like shaking a fizzy can of soda, the pressure only increases. The only way to progress through emotions is to let them spill out. (okay, that's not the greatest analogy, I'll admit...)
If you're close enough with your bandmates that you can deal being with them in a car for prolonged periods, I bet they'd feel honored if you were to share your thoughts with them. No doubt they're concerned about you and would do anything they can to help you feel better. They might even be able to relate and give you some unexpected words of wisdom... but you won't know if you hold it in :)

Posted by: madsax at August 24, 2004 05:18 PM

Jane,

I think you should bring it up. What your describing is not right (when you are with people that care for you). Crying, feeling lost and alone, feeling like you shouldn't bother people... IMO I'd say that if you were alone holed up in your apartment that it might be okay. (for a while anyways)

But forcing yourself to push down your feelings when you are with your friends...it doesn't seem right.

Just bring it up with..."Man I'm so bummed. Hope you guys understand...My mom died on this day last year..." And go from there...

Sometimes you have to let people know...many do not have ESP...and others do not remember the same moments of happiness or sadness that we each hold precious...

Hang in there.

andy

Posted by: andy at August 24, 2004 05:20 PM

When I was in high school, I had my bout with clinical depression, and what you're talking about feels familiar to me. You feel like there's all this nasty energy inside of you, and if you're not careful it's all just going to boil over. I'm trying to remember what I did about it back then. I think I mostly moped about and cried in my room until my parents finally forced me to go to therapy. I do remember that it helped to write my thoughts down on paper. Maybe you want to continue to write about it online, or maybe you'd rather just keep it in a book, or maybe some combination of both. When you don't feel like you can talk about your feelings to those around you, writing them (as letters to yourself, poems, songs, freeform scribbling or whatever) can be the next best thing.

Lately I've found that if I've had a rough day I can make myself feel better by mixing things up on my turntables, but I'm sure you're already familiar with the emotional benefits of playing music.

Best of luck.

Posted by: ClockworkGrue at August 24, 2004 05:44 PM

i try to think of how much my father taught me and showed me, and how grateful i am to have had him in my life whenever the anniversary of his death rolls around. for a couple years i couldn't sing a couple of songs that i wrote about him dying, i'd just choke up and the tears would start, and i'd have to stop. the emotions were raw and right there near the surface. it's pretty impossible to share with people the sadness i have about it, unless they've lost a parent themselves, and then the converation is about as succinct as "yeah, i know. it sucks".
i don't know if it's time, or a shift in attitude towards the day, but this year i got through it without much pain. hope you do too.

Posted by: eric at August 24, 2004 06:13 PM

"Your friends are with you, Aragorn!"
I cannot be with you to hug you and comfort you as I want to be, but know that my love is fierce and strong. Even as I miss you dearly now, I know that we share this grief together, and just knowing that you mourn as I do, makes me feel closer to you.

And the hell with your band mates. I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to have a break down, considering what you've gone through, and it's all right for you to ask for support from them. SOmetimes people don't know what to do, even if they might want to do or say something.

Take care, Jane, and I will see you soon!

Posted by: anne at August 24, 2004 06:48 PM

I understand the feeling of not wanting to be a burden, and not wanting to "bring people down", but everyone understands love and loss, and sharing those emotions and supporting each other through them is what friendship is all about. If Chris and Chris haven't changed too much over the years, then they're probably still not the most sensitive guys in the world, but they're good and caring and more than adequate shoulders to cry on. This isn't passing angst you're going through, it's profound bereavement, and you should let yourself inhabit that sadness for a while, because otherwise like everyone else says, it will burst out at the seams in even more unsettling ways. Reach out to those you love and let them embrace you. Take care, dear Jane. You are definitely not alone.

Posted by: JP at August 24, 2004 06:57 PM

Why don't you give your sister a call?

Posted by: Emanon at August 24, 2004 08:03 PM

dear jane,

if you need to stop and get help, do it. go home, look into temporarily going on an antidepressant, get back into intensive therapy, do something. there is no need for you to go through this pain if it's destroying you. i know that if i lost my mother right now i would need more than a year to 'get over it.' i feel for you---hang in there as much as possible and know that you are not alone.

sincerely,

j

Posted by: j at August 24, 2004 08:40 PM

That's more or less what was going on with me -- minus a road trip -- on the first anniversary of my father's death a couple of years ago. Setting aside a couple of hours at a time to let go into the sadness helped, and talking to friends helped a lot. Talking to dad helped too; a lot remained unsaid and undiscovered between us.

It's never easy. You have my sympathies. Hey, if it'd help to talk to a stranger, call 8189158452 (the number is Californian, but I live in Providence, RI) any time. Part of me wonders if this is creepy of me, but to hell with that.

Posted by: Vika Zafrin at August 24, 2004 09:18 PM

hi jane. i've been through similar in the last few years - not only does my whole family seem to fall apart round about when my stepfather died five years ago but a close friend committed suicide last year and it is still with all of us. talk to people. you'd be surprised how wonderful people who care about you can be. or if you dont want to talk - write. grief is natural - and very hard to deal with, especially when you're away from famililar surroundings. take care.

Posted by: manda at August 24, 2004 10:16 PM

Anyone would be depressed on the anniversary of their mother's death and everyone will understand that you are.

Based on my personal experience with grief, the problem is not the no one cares or that you don't have anyone to talk to, but that you don't really have anything to say. Are there words?

Much like Buffy, you have to fight this battle alone. That's the terrible thing about grief- it's so isolating. But that doesn't mean that people don't love you.

And it's also worth mentioning that practically every single person loses their parents at some point. So, while this is your battle, other people have fought the same battle and come out stronger.

I'm sending positive energy your way, just in case that helps.

Also, I can't freaking believe that you were Athens yesterday and I didn't come see you play! I'm only just discovering that you were here. I would have loved to have met you and would have been honored to have you cry on my sholder.

Perhaps you should seek out friendly faces in the other cities that you're visiting? So much can be learned from strangers.

Posted by: jlws at August 24, 2004 11:31 PM

It's a day late and a dollar short, but Con and I send our positive thoughts your way. I can't imagine how difficult it must be.

Hoping to see you feeling better soon.

Connie and Zack

Posted by: sollyz at August 25, 2004 07:12 AM

Try not to be sad. It's natural to be sad, but try not to be. "What? Don't be sad?", you ask. "That's silly", you might add. But let me ask you this -- what good will it do you or anyone else? Be determined to be happy, damn it. You're too worthy to let all the shit eat away at you. Unless, of course, you feel that somehow there is sufficient payoff in bein unhappy, down, or hurt. And if so, what in the world would that be? Ganbare.

Posted by: MIke at August 25, 2004 09:30 AM

it is so hard to lose a parent... i have been there and stayed for tea... talking helps. therapy helps, drugs help.
you don't have to be strong and on top of things all the time. it's ok to admit you are feelng fragile.total stanger eases your burden somewhat. also, the pain does ease with time. anniversaries are the hardest though it's true..

Posted by: wendy b at August 25, 2004 09:35 AM

I concur with most of the comments: let it out. Your bandmates can't really tell what's wrong if you don't say anything. I bet at least two of them (because if the driver's like me, if they drive they can't really think most other thoughts straight through) can probably tell you're not doing well, but are afraid to ask. The thing with most people is, they won't want to pry unless they're given an in, no matter how long they've known you, and once they are they almost always feel relieved about being able to ask what's going on.

I also agree with J, partially: if you try to share and it doesn't help, then tell yourself "I can't do this. I need to go home and take care of myself.".

But I would try telling them how bad you feel first. If you're like me, you probably feel breaking down and crying in front of other people is bad because you're somehow laying the burdain at their feel, and unfairly so. But it's not unfair. It's rather more unfair to keep everything in and let people wonder what the heck is wrong with you.

Posted by: Annalisa at August 25, 2004 06:22 PM

these comments are the sweetest, and i had to add my own that echo the others. because as strong as you are, it's okay to be weak and vent when you need to. i have enormous faith in humanity to handle pain and adversity; you just need to believe that you can (although that might sound like the most retarded thing right about now).

i've never lost a parent, only a friend, so i can't claim to understand what you're going through. but i still think about her, eight years later, and shed a little tear. but she wouldn't want me to be sad, and it's my bet that your mum wouldn't want you to be either.

don't worry about the bay area, we've got it under control. you'll be back soon and we'll have a blast shooting your video - and i'm always around to talk if you need to.

Posted by: jasonk at August 25, 2004 06:58 PM

http://broken.blackroses.com/~sa7ori/GelLab.mp3

Posted by: stephen at August 26, 2004 07:32 AM

Break down. Its human...
And I can only imagine how much this day hurts-my heart goes out to you Jane!

Posted by: erika at August 26, 2004 11:28 AM

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

She was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever; I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Posted by: DJ at August 26, 2004 09:33 PM

Let it out and turn it into song/painting/dance/creation.

G.

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Posted by: mature stories at August 30, 2004 03:52 PM

that isnt spam! Its the very net itself attempting to empathize the best way it knows how. ;-)
seriously Jane, I know I dont know yah (in the flesh that is) I found your site through Links.net a few years back which I found when looking for places to stay in japan!
Its raining now, but I'm pretty sure it cant rain forever, and chances are when its sunny again, it'll be sunnier than you can bare....
"Let go, yeah let go, jump in, its sooooo amaaazing yeah...alright, cuz there's beauteee in the breakdown" --Frou Frou

Posted by: stephen at August 30, 2004 04:05 PM

another message from the scary net-stalker guy. Seriously though, it baffles me that such a seemingly beautiful person can experience such ugliness.

Posted by: stephen at August 30, 2004 04:25 PM

they can't turn away if u grieve before them. and yet they can't really feel your lost or pain. we are basically alone in this world. stay gold. wish you the best.

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Along the lines of what I was saying before: here is link since I assume you must be near NYC by now -
http://www.skydivetheranch.com/

I hope you are feeling better - your lack of writing is somewhat disconcerting after such an intense post. If you are OK can you let us know?

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