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June 30, 2004

missing

what? what is it? compassion only confuses me, clouds the issues. i don't know. i don't know. i'm thirsty, i'm hungry, i'm alone, i'm not. i smoke, i drink, i wish i didn't smoke, i want to drink more. i need money, i hate money, i want to live without money.

i want a cigarette. a piece of chocolate cake. i feel fat. i need a haircut, a job, a car, a - what?

love, i've got; vacation, it's coming. what else what else what else?

yes, maybe: talent, and motivation. that's what's missing. god damn it give me something to do, something to believe in, something outside of myself to make me forget how small the world is and how short is life.

posted by jane at June 30, 2004 03:17 PM | TrackBack
Comments

>something outside of myself to make me forget
>how small the world is and how short is life

I've felt the same way as long as I can remember (I was an existential kid--"inner tensions" I called it when I was eight). From adolescence through college, performing, especially singing, was my way of detaching from myself. It might be vogue to call it escapism, but I thought of it as happiness. I left the stage and the spotlight for several years, which forced me to confront those tensions and find other strategies for coping with them. It doesn't really translate into practical terms, but at some level I decided that life being short wasn't a reason to stop, but a reason to move. The world being small wasn't cause to feel claustrophobic, but rather to explore as much of it as I could, and not take the subtleties in my everyday mundane routine for granted. And what weighs on me the most--people being generally selfish, petty, and thoughtless--should make me try hard to be the opposite, and surround myself with those who make the same effort. I don't believe in anything more complicated than spending all my energy to make the world a better place (of which living a quality life oneself is a prime component), and I think that will keep me busy for a good long time. Of course, struggles still abound, and I'm constantly challenged by situations largely of my own making, and right now I'm lonely and exhausted and overwhelmed by the path I see immediately before me. But I'm pretty sure I'll figure it all out and make it to the other side, and that keeps me going. So maybe part of what you're looking for is confidence, to make some tough choices and stick with them long enough to reach fruition. I don't know. Angst is such an odd thing, so universal and so personal at the same time. Honestly I can't imagine living without it. I would feel bereft of a darkness that defines me, a shadow that gives me both pain and comfort. I derive meaning from my fear of meaninglessness. Which is, in itself, the root of existential insecurity, and well, here we are again. No answers, only muses, but their riddles fuel such fascinating journeys...

Posted by: JP at June 30, 2004 05:13 PM

Last week, I had all the symptoms of a full blown heart attack. I had to call my best friend and tell her the phone number of my dad, mom and sister and then drive myself to the emergency room. My world became very small, and life seemed so very short.

Numerous tests have ruled out my heart as the source of my stabbing pains, and yet my world is still small and my life, well.. it's life.

I'm not sure what you're looking for, but I hope you find it... you deserve it.

Anyway, I'm wondering if I can mail you something. You have my email, if I find your addy in my inbox, I'll have my answer.

Take care Jane.

Posted by: Gary at June 30, 2004 05:13 PM

im sorry. i just have to say this: you are not fat! you have, what i could only characterize as an enviable figure.

Posted by: wendy at June 30, 2004 06:16 PM

i love you jane.

i hope you feel better soon.

your number 1 fan,

b

Posted by: brian at June 30, 2004 08:41 PM

Jane,

I hope you have a WONDERFUL vacation with your sweetheart! May you return at least a little more fulfilled and hopeful!

Posted by: C(h)ristine at June 30, 2004 09:59 PM

i've been reading your posts almost everyday because i am going through similar ups and downs that nearly parallel yours--right down to your therapy experiences! it's been hard for me to communicate my feelings with those closest to me because they immediately try to diagnose them and prescribe simple fixes. i can't tell you how much i have appreciated your writing, which has given me insight into my own emotions. although this probably doesn't mean much coming from a stranger, i just want to thank you for sharing yourself and your TALENT.

Posted by: anoko at July 1, 2004 12:26 AM

Yeah, I could use some of that too. I just don't get myself sometimes. How did Ani Di Franco put it?

"so why am I so lonely? why am I so tired? I need company I need backup, I need to be inspired!"

I guess the problem is, no one will ever give you that. THe greatest struggle is to find it within yourself.

Posted by: anne at July 1, 2004 11:08 AM

It’s been said before—and you got mad—, but the advice was sound, and worth suggesting again: perhaps getting a job would help.
I realize that prescribing something so simple can be seen as an insult to you, your intelligence, and what you’re going through, but I assure you it is not intended as such. When I picture myself in your life as you describe it here and (indirectly) at GGA, I can see how certain aspects of how you live your life could lead to how you are now feeling. Why not just give a job a try? Throw your ego out the window and do something totally beneath you, for example; or throw your ego out the window and do something totally out of your skill set, as another. Why not just try and see how it makes you feel? Recreate yourself. Let go. I know your pain is strong and must be killing you, and I wish you’d stop holding on so tight to whatever it is that hurts you, because it's killing you.

Posted by: UG at July 1, 2004 11:24 AM

I've been reading for a while, and it seems like you're definitely through a lot of ups and downs. Everything seems fine, you have every reason to be happy, but you're not.

I know the feeling, I've had a very tough month too. Internal struggles suck.

All I can do is send my encouragement your way. People who you've never even seen and met are in your corner. Believe me, you've had a positive effect on my life in small part. Both Dealership and GGA has given me hope to keep going on. I, and probably others as well, wish that we could give back some of that positive energy.

Enjoy your vacation. Get away, take a step back or three, observe the big, giant, huge picture. Makes it easier to handle once you're in it.

don't be offended, but you do have talent. You're respected in the game industry, you write wonderfully, you play beautiful music. You're a role model to me. People like you, Robin, and Justin give me hope.

I thank you for sharing with us your private world, it's such a scary thing, letting strangers in, and you'll get so many bad and malicious people that come in, but hopefully, a few good ones. It's like panning for gold, you just have to let the sand sift through.

I wish I could express myself better or more poetically, but I'm working on it. All I can do is give you a thumbs up and say good luck and keep up the most excellent work!

Lucas

Posted by: lukeyes at July 1, 2004 12:16 PM

I've been reading for a while, and it seems like you're definitely through a lot of ups and downs. Everything seems fine, you have every reason to be happy, but you're not.

I know the feeling, I've had a very tough month too. Internal struggles suck.

All I can do is send my encouragement your way. People who you've never even seen and met are in your corner. Believe me, you've had a positive effect on my life in small part. Both Dealership and GGA has given me hope to keep going on. I, and probably others as well, wish that we could give back some of that positive energy.

Enjoy your vacation. Get away, take a step back or three, observe the big, giant, huge picture. Makes it easier to handle once you're in it.

don't be offended, but you do have talent. You're respected in the game industry, you write wonderfully, you play beautiful music. You're a role model to me. People like you, Robin, and Justin give me hope.

I thank you for sharing with us your private world, it's such a scary thing, letting strangers in, and you'll get so many bad and malicious people that come in, but hopefully, a few good ones. It's like panning for gold, you just have to let the sand sift through.

I wish I could express myself better or more poetically, but I'm working on it. All I can do is give you a thumbs up and say good luck and keep up the most excellent work!

Lucas

Posted by: lukeyes at July 1, 2004 12:17 PM

Try not to be too hard on yourself!

I echo Lucas' idea. And here’s why:

Getting a job that is “beneath me” has saved me. For the first time ever, I have a job that is purely 8-5pm and I leave Work at Work. The tasks are mundane and often thankless, but I have found they are satisfying in that they allow me to think freely without stress, and THAT, has allowed me to grow in other areas. Sure, professionally I am 2 steps back, but personally, spiritually, emotionally and even socially, I am 4 steps AHEAD. Plus, I am not constantly stressed or paranoid about workplace politics, he siad-she said games, or who’s getting promoted above me….as I have been in the past…because I am not vested in this position. If I stay, I stay, no big whoop. This is a huge paradigm shift for this Capricorn, but, it is exactly what I need right now. And I am thankful. And at peace.

And as a bonus, I am making more $ than I ever had in the past, ironically. That makes the mundane even more palatable.

I have gone through something similar; it is debilitating. I think that serious, intelligent, aware, and deep people are prone to go through depression – or call it what you will.

I wish you good things. I send you encouragement. Hang in there, sounds like you are taking some good steps! Don’t forget to give yourself props for all your successes!! Write down your successes in colored markers on parchment paper on your bathroom door, if you have to, it helps :)

Posted by: ms.mo at July 1, 2004 01:09 PM

Try not to be too hard on yourself!

I echo Lucas' idea. And here’s why:

Getting a job that is “beneath me” has saved me. For the first time ever, I have a job that is purely 8-5pm and I leave Work at Work. The tasks are mundane and often thankless, but I have found they are satisfying in that they allow me to think freely without stress, and THAT, has allowed me to grow in other areas. Sure, professionally I am 2 steps back, but personally, spiritually, emotionally and even socially, I am 4 steps AHEAD. Plus, I am not constantly stressed or paranoid about workplace politics, he siad-she said games, or who’s getting promoted above me….as I have been in the past…because I am not vested in this position. If I stay, I stay, no big whoop. This is a huge paradigm shift for this Capricorn, but, it is exactly what I need right now. And I am thankful. And at peace.

And as a bonus, I am making more $ than I ever had in the past, ironically. That makes the mundane even more palatable.

I have gone through something similar; it is debilitating. I think that serious, intelligent, aware, and deep people are prone to go through depression – or call it what you will.

I wish you good things. I send you encouragement. Hang in there, sounds like you are taking some good steps! Don’t forget to give yourself props for all your successes!! Write down your successes in colored markers on parchment paper on your bathroom door, if you have to, it helps :)

Posted by: ms.mo at July 1, 2004 01:11 PM

I believe the search for "something more" is a mirage. We humans are preprogrammed to balance out at a certain level of comfort no matter what our surroundings are (within limits): a Manhattan CEO isn't on average more or less happy than a Bangladeshi peasant. A cute Bay Area indie-rock guitarist and videogame journalist isn't on average more or less happy than a drop-dead-gorgeous world-famous guitar legend / best-selling novelist / video-game auteur.

Which is a long way of saying: don't look outside for what's missing. You can get new stuff, but your happiness thermostat will wobble up and then drift back.

The problem with depression (and I've been there) is that the thermostat just isn't set right. Look at that as the problem, not at what's lacking in your life. You can go after that problem with meds, and/or with cultivating inner peace through meditation or the like. Both have helped me.

*shrug* I hope you don't find that preachy. If it helps any, know that I've had "TV Highway" in my car stereo for weeks now and am still loving it. And this startling admission comes from a guy who thought he'd outgrown "pop" stuff for Serious ambient music and Difficult post-rock. Human existence is still ultimately meaningless, but at least you and your bandmates have been making my summer more fun!

Posted by: sneJ at July 1, 2004 01:20 PM

I believe the search for "something more" is a mirage. We humans are preprogrammed to balance out at a certain level of comfort no matter what our surroundings are (within limits): a Manhattan CEO isn't on average more or less happy than a Bangladeshi peasant. A cute Bay Area indie-rock guitarist and videogame journalist isn't on average more or less happy than a drop-dead-gorgeous world-famous guitar legend / best-selling novelist / video-game auteur.

Which is a long way of saying: don't look outside for what's missing. You can get new stuff, but your happiness thermostat will wobble up and then drift back.

The problem with depression (and I've been there) is that the thermostat just isn't set right. Look at that as the problem, not at what's lacking in your life. You can go after that problem with meds, and/or with cultivating inner peace through meditation or the like. Both have helped me.

*shrug* I hope you don't find that preachy. If it helps any, know that I've had "TV Highway" in my car stereo for weeks now and am still loving it. And this startling admission comes from a guy who thought he'd outgrown "pop" stuff for Serious ambient music and Difficult post-rock. Human existence is still ultimately meaningless, but at least you and your bandmates have been making my summer more fun!

Posted by: sneJ at July 1, 2004 01:20 PM

Jane,
You know my feelings about people who respond to people suffering from depression with "Snap out of it" or "Lighten up" (something along the lines of "F*ck off you ignorant nitwit!") -- and the suggestion of "get a job" (I am responding to previous posts suggesting it) seems like it also trivializes depression...

BUT it's something to consider (you may not take that road, that's totally okay too!) -- if anything, as a "distraction" -- something to get you through the day (believe me, I have been there....when I have just made decisions and done things "that got me through the day.") At a certain point in my recovery from depression...I did just get a job, something low pressure, to ease me back into the world. It really got me to the next level in my recovery.

Posted by: C(h)ristine at July 1, 2004 05:29 PM

I've been thinking about the job question, because it seems like it's not so cut and dry as either the obnoxious posts or the reflexive defense give due. My sense is that what these folks are responding to is a sense of aimlessness that comes through in some of Jane's posts. One kneejerk reaction to that is to label Jane a slacker and tell her to stop whining and get off her ass. But you'd have to read her material at a very simplistic level not to realize that Jane has thought through that scenario already. I'd be pissed too if someone didn't give me more credit than that. Sure, there is probably a job out there that Jane would find satisfying and fulfilling, but there's a real chance the job she already has--being a freelance writer and musician--is about as good as it gets. On the other hand, there are MANY jobs out there that she is qualified for that would make Jane much more miserable than she is now, so while it's worth thinking about the potential benefits of other employment, it's not a decision to be taken lightly. The next, more sensitive reaction is to say, maybe more structure would help, and a job where someone else tells you how to spend 8-9 hours of your day can certainly reorganize how you allocate time. Some people find that external discipline useful--it helps them prioritize and appreciate the time that remains their own--while others can find that motivation internally. And of course we pass through phases where one or the other is more or less helpful. I really feel like Jane has a solid internal compass, but it's just spinning at the moment. The only reason that's not perfectly ok is that she doesn't like it. Now all us artsy people can get self-indulgent from time to time, and occasionally a kick in the pants is required. It's the situation where we stop and ask ourselves: if I keep heading the way I'm going now, where will I end up? And that simple question can lead to profound soul-searching, casting about for a better direction than the status quo, and from the outside it can just look like paralysis, or even laziness. But the quest for meaning is a serious struggle, and the fact that it's been with us for millennia, is shared by countless others, and can never be answered doesn't make it any less heartrendingly personal for every individual. Meaning is cobbled together from so many elements--friends, family, partners, what you create, how you create it, just thinking, simple pleasures, complex challenges, each day's baby steps, and the grand arc we see stretching out before us. But coming back to the question, the meaning we distill from life arises from how we spend our time. It's the only true currency we have. To me (with all respect to ms.mo), spending it on a meaningless job seems like an awful waste, unless the material things the job enables you to acquire are essential tools to crafting meaning elsewhere. I don't think hedonism is the answer either, because IMHO living moment-to-moment, even if those moments are blissful, makes it difficult to grow, and to build, and to project a vision of one's future to strive for. I believe in the value of the journey, I really do, but having destinations along the way where you can stop and congratulate yourself is pretty important, too. Which is taking me back to the idea of balance, flexible plans, room for goals and spontaneity both, very hard to achieve without creating friction between them...

I feel like I'm really starting to ramble. So, time. Something about the way Jane currently spends her time is making her unhappy. Maybe it's too short-term oriented, or maybe too long-term. Maybe she needs more time alone, more time with friends, more time with strangers, more time with teachers, or more time teaching others. Maybe more time getting in touch with her body, or more time getting in touch with her soul. I'm not trying to be prescriptive here, just to frame the question in a different way. So a job--more time following the directions (both literally and figuratively) of others, learning, practicing, or improving certain skills, creating things that may or may not be meaningful to her--is an option to be explored, but not the answer to a problem.

So I hope that all makes some sense. And even though I know I should leave it at that, I have to throw out an idea that flew in while I was writing. Jane: if you really are bored, sitting on your hands, and looking for something to do (which is hard to tell, actually--you seem both quite busy and with lots of time to kill) have you considered helping lisanola get the club off the ground? It seems like there would be so many ways to get involved, and so much opportunity to learn, and a whole lot of fun besides, but of course going into a venture with a friend has potential complications, too. You've probably already covered that ground, but I thought it couldn't hurt to mention. Please don't delete me! :-)

Posted by: JP at July 1, 2004 05:46 PM

Why the long-winded comments? She said she doesn't want compassion.

Wait, why even have comments at all, Jane?

If you don't want the critical ones and find compassion confusing, perhaps you're just looking for ritual reminders of your "talent"?

Posted by: lorenzo at July 6, 2004 06:20 AM

im intrigued...from a anonymous visitor that comes by sporaddically at work...finding entertainment and hopeful dreams from reading about random people's blogs...you seem very talented and inspiring..being a rock star, webmaster with clout, writer and geek...best of luck to you..

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