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January 29, 2004Speed Dating Tips for the Single Guy
What do you say to the twentieth man who asks wearily, "So what do you do?" Many answers come to mind. I've already tested out most of them. "I play a shitload of video games." "I play rock guitar in a band." "I write about my dreams online." "I knit scarves." "I'm writing a novel.""I play D&D." Each one is an opportunity to be someone else; but the problem is actually, they're all me - and by this point in the evening, I'm totally bored of me. I want to be someone else. "I fix cars." "I'm chief meteorologist at KTVU." "I track down dudes who've jumped bail." "I pimp." Don't ask me that. Nineteen other men have already asked me, and I've exhausted the possibilities. Ask me how my day was. Ask me what the last trip I took was. Ask me something more specific than general. Ask for descriptions rather than lists. Or on second thought, don't ask me anything. Talk to me. Tell me about yourself. Compliment me on something. I can't tell you, guys, how flattering this is. Nothing lewd, just something like "That color looks nice on you" or whatever. It breaks the ice and makes a girl feel good. And then let's go from there. Last night MJ and I went on a BAARE (Bay Area Asian Rendezvous Events) speed dating party at the Whisper Lounge. I'd link to BAARE from here but their TOS agreement prohibits it, so go ahead and just Google it if you want to check it out. Many of you have wondered why I'd chosen a specifically Asian event. The answers are, why the hell not? and, by accident - we signed up because a friend of ours had signed up and sent us the link. Also, a full confession here. As many of you have guessed, I'm not actually looking for another romantic partner. In fact I got busted by one of the guys, who, when he heard the list of stuff I liked to do, said, "Why are you here? Seems like you have plenty of chances to meet a really diverse group of people. You can't tell me you have trouble meeting people." He's right. It's not like I, ahem, work too much or I don't go out or I have trouble meeting people. But who says speed-dating is just for overworked shy shut-ins, anyway? Damn it, I defend my right to meet as many men in one evening as I possibly can - including the three tasty bartenders. It's quite an entertaining experience, especially if you go into it relaxed and without expectations. And if you don't get along, it's no sweat - they're gone in four minutes, poof! Just like that. If you do get along, you both know it - and you look forward to continuing the conversation later. In fact I think it's a great way for the shier types to force themselves to practice meeting people. It sure drives away any inhibitions you may have had. By your third drink and tenth dude you are a confident, seasoned pro. But don't let that confidence become too familiar. The bulk of men I met gave me the same spiel - "I'm a engineer; I love outdoor sports, especially snowboarding!" I KNOW they must have repeated the same things to every other lady - and it shows. It doesn't sound fresh or new any more. Come on guys, that can't be all you do. Didn't you ever secretly wish to be a master chef? Didn't you ever dream of ditching med school and becoming a painter? Didn't you ever stay up four nights in a row to finish coding some file-sharing software which you never released? I mean, yes, snowboarding is an amazing experience. But EVERYONE thinks so. I'll take it for granted, okay? that you love snowboarding. Let's move on from there. Tell me something about yourself that I don't know, that I wouldn't guess in a million years. You grew up on a vineyard. You went to school in Switzerland. You spent last year in Hong Kong taking air pollution samples. I don't know, ANYTHING is better than telling me how much you love to snowboard - unless you can describe the snowboarding experience in the sexiest, wittiest, most evocative ways. I did meet some interesting folks with whom I'd like to hang out perhaps. One kid had recently discovered indie music, and was so incredibly enthused about it. It was really cute, actually. "And, I've really gotten into punk lately!" he said as if he were sharing a secret. Aw. I invited him to come with me to Gilman sometime. Another guy used to write for NextGen, the late great father of all smart gaming magazines. Color me impressed. We obviously had a lot to talk about. I hope we can have coffee or something sometime and discuss in detail our favorite rpgs and why. And a third boy works for Rotten Tomatoes. Also interesting. What's really tough is that in four minutes it's a crapshoot trying to discover your intersecting interests. It was purely by chance that some of these guys revealed the nuggets of information that would make me interested in them - and would probably make other girls go, "huh?" So the best thing you can do is just be natural, don't repeat yourself over and over, because the sparkle goes out of what you say, and just coast on personality more than facts. If you're an open, kind-hearted, funny person then it doesn't matter what your stats and facts are so much - I'm going to want to keep talking to you to figure out what else you're into. Also, remember - you don't have to impress every single girl. Some of them are gonna like your style, some just won't click with it. Don't feel like you have to charm the pants off everyone. As tempting as that idea might be. The event itself could have been shorter. 100 minutes (plus a ten-minute intermission) is a long-ass time to keep introducing yourself over and over, which is why I stopped doing so after a while. It would have been better I think if we had met ten people for six minutes each. It was fun up to around the tenth person, and then everyone got veeeeery tiiiiired. Still, there's a purity in this form of dating - no bullshit, you get straight to the point. You like what you see? Mark yes on your score card, hope they do the same, but if they don't, no big deal. If there's one thing speed-dating makes abundantly clear, it's that there are indeed many fish in the sea. Almost too many, in fact. I did mark down some yesses. I figured, even if there are no sparks, a cool person is still a cool person, and I'm never going to say no to a good conversation. But then again, I'm not really the girl you're trying to reach, cuz I ain't looking for a man, know what I mean? So you can toss all that advice I just gave you out the window. Carry on, snowboarders. posted by jane at January 29, 2004 10:29 AM | TrackBackComments
true...i love that your're living... Posted by: erika at January 29, 2004 12:54 PMDid you end up wearing the orange jumpsuit? Posted by: Momo at January 29, 2004 12:57 PMno orange jumpsuit! :( But aren't orange jumpsuits really easy to put on? Posted by: motokyaku at January 29, 2004 01:25 PMyes, but it would have involved my getting *out* of the clothes i was wearing... i suppose i could have tried to squeeze the jumpsuit on top of my existing clothes; but i think that would have made me a bit too warm, leading to uncomfortable and unglamorous sweating during my dating. hey, i also realized - registration for the event was $25. that's a dollar per date!! not bad. Posted by: jane at January 29, 2004 01:33 PMDamn. Wish I attended now to "check up" on you and MJ. But as for your comments regarding the guys, a similar amount of women are just as uninteresting and "into snowboarding *and* hiking!" =b In any case, I think your comments should be printed out and made required reading before the next Baare event-- I whole heartedly agree with you. Posted by: Jonathan at January 29, 2004 01:49 PMAh, forgive me Jane, I wouldn't have guessed $1 a date... ? They should really set up some kind of dude vending machine over there, and like have an extra 25c charge for "HOT" Posted by: motokyaku at January 29, 2004 01:51 PMDid you ever get the impression that while you were conversing, the guys were merely waiting for an opportunity to spout off their next question rather than actually listening to you? Additionally, I have this perception that these events are filled with self-deprecating people. In my opinion, there is nothing worse than hearing "why are you even here, you're so far out of our league?" (or some other variation on that phrase) when you've respectfully given this person 4 minutes of your undivided attention. Also, all the relationships I've been in have started off on the wrong foot. That is to say, I might come out of a first date with the feeling that it went poorly. But my most mediocre first dates are frequently precursors to very fulfilling relationships. What happens with those scorecards? What's the process by which people are made aware of successful interactions? Is there a "referee" who watches the date from afar and evaluates it in addition to the self-evaluations by the actual participants? They might be able to spot a compatibility that one, or both, of the actual participants might not be able to. Posted by: The Other Guy at January 29, 2004 02:21 PMhey other guy - yeah, sometimes it seemed like the guys i was talking to were so intent on carrying on the conversation that they weren't really listening to me. but perhaps i was boring to them. i mean, at that point i was boring to myself. and i'm sure not everyone's cup of tea, i know. what happens is, you turn in your scorecard at the end of the night, with simply a "yes" or "no" next to everyone's name and number. (I was Jane # 20). if two people both match up with "yes", then BAARE officials will forward email addresses to each party, and what you do with that information is up to you. also i think it's important to keep in mind that although this event is called speed-DATING is actually more like speed-MEETING. any resemblance to an actual date is slim at best. instead imagine being at a party of 50 people and efficiently talking to half of them. that's what it's like. i had fun, actually! it was sort of a game. i might even do it again. is that deceptive? i mean, i really just enjoy meeting people, but i wonder if i would be wasting the time of people who are really there to find serious romantic partner potentials. i guess that would be rude of me. what do you think? Posted by: jane at January 29, 2004 02:30 PM"i mean, i really just enjoy meeting people, but i wonder if i would be wasting the time of people who are really there to find serious romantic partner potentials. i guess that would be rude of me. what do you think?" I think anyone going to those *seriously* looking for romantic potential is kidding themselves. It seems your approach is the appropriate one: Find someone who can go from zero to interesting in 4 minutes. I'd say go as many times as you can. Eventually you're going to find someone with the same quirky attitude you have, who was probably dragged into the experience by a friend for support, laugh at the connection, and get more than either of you bargained for. As far as really enjoying snowboarding, what if someone said they used to be really into skateboarding, snow skiing, and wakeboarding, but was absolutely killing themselves for not trying snowboarding last time (i.e. the only time) they were in Tahoe? Because I'm soooo pissed that I didn't when I had the chance. It was 50 degrees outside, and I wanted to enjoy skiing in the weather (I'm used to skiing with windchills of negative fucking ten) and not have snow crammed down my pants. But even so? I should have tried snowboarding. Posted by: Bowler at January 29, 2004 02:46 PMI don't think it's rude at all. But then again, I've got this paradoxical personality - I'm shy but I love meeting new people. So any excuse to meet new people is fine by me; not to mention one that makes it so effortless. If I step on a few toes of people along the way whom despise my style, I'll be sure to excuse myself. Perhaps it's best to be upfront about your motivations with these speed-dating participants. Speed-MEETING is a fantastic idea, and maybe if it was geared towards meeting people and not romantic partners, I'd attend often. I find it hard to meet females whom I want to keep simply as platonic friends. And before I come off sounding egotistical (i.e. no my female friends don't all start having romantic feelings about me), let me clarify what I mean. Not many females in my age group seem to be looking for cool guys to just hang out with. Or if they are, it's too weird to approach them to essentially say "will you be my friend?". There are many opportunities for me to meet new guy friends, through sports and business or other friends. But there seems to be an inverse relationship between age and the ease with which one can make friends of the opposite sex. Speed-MEETING would be awesome for just meeting new friends of the opposite sex without the perilous romantic pretense that goes with attempting this out-of-the-blue under normal circumstances. Speed-MEETING could do for co-ed platonic relationships what gay bars accomplished for homosexuals. I can't imagine how quirky and uncomfortable it must have been for gay people to meet other gay people amongst a crowd of straight people before gay bars were prevalent. But I'd imagine it's somewhat similar to the quirkiness of trying to meet a female friend out of a crowd of females who think you're after them for only romantic reasons. Posted by: The Other Guy at January 29, 2004 03:35 PMActually, I should revise my view of this whole social activity too-- I view it as speed meeting; especially when a good 80% of the women I say yes to are what, in my mind, I'd consider to be a good friend (Yes, I've actually broken hearts-- who'd have thunk?). But I do love the whole experience-- if nothing else, it's a way for me to act totally off the wall with random people with nothing to lose. Kinda like "Jonathan on Geek/Flirty Mode 100%". And if that ain't fun, I don't know what is. Posted by: Jonathan at January 29, 2004 03:58 PMSo lemme ask you, what do you do? Posted by: Dork at January 29, 2004 04:59 PMThe question I used for my speed dating experience was: "If a guy bought you flowers or candy on the first date, would you consider it a bribe or a nice gesture? (Because his personality is so weak that he has to *bribe* you in order to like him? Or is it an action of appreciation and affection to you?)" Fun fun. People remembered me for months following. =D Posted by: Jonathan at January 29, 2004 05:13 PMI hate snowboarding. Does that count as something new? :) Eventually I would probably start every conversation with "My grandfather paints decaying lizard skeletons that he finds in the yard." because it's amazing, and true! If the response is laughter, there's a potential match for friendship. If the response is horror, chances are I'll offend them when they discover the other abominations to mankind that construct my life. Did you ask why they were doing the speed dating thing? Maybe some of them would have revealed that they had no intention of finding a mate either. Posted by: Draigon at January 29, 2004 06:11 PMlove ur blog. too bad it would sound/look bad as a married woman(me) to attend something like that. i'd go just to meet ppl. unfortunately most of my men friends r gay. where r the straights? also, i think i've meet one of the co-founders many years ago in chicago. wierd flashback. u go girl! Posted by: nomsg at January 29, 2004 07:58 PMthis is weird i know. but apparently there exists only one degree of separaton between us. Posted by: wendy at January 29, 2004 08:49 PMas the other "secret" webbie there, i couldn't agree with you more... from snowboarding, outdoor loving engineers who always asked "what do you do for a living?" i too liked talking to mr. rotten tomatoes (who btw also loves snowboarding and being outdoors) as well as mr. industrial light magic. :) Posted by: ricecake at January 30, 2004 12:01 AMHmm. Smackdown? Compliment? Carly Simon would tell me I'm reading too much into it. Doesn't sound like we'll be snowboarding together anytime soon, though. So, Jane, if you play games for a living, does everything in life start to look like a game? Referring to speed-dating, of course. It seems pretty cynical to dismiss someone for how they can sell themselves in four minutes. Not everyone has your innate natural charms, after all, so why indict them for being, well, mostly ordinary? But I guess speed-dating rewards leading with novelty, not necessarily sincerity. When you have nothing at stake, because you already have someone to fall back on, maybe novelty is all you're looking for... I don't think I'm cut out for speed-dating myself -- I'm the oddball at parties who tries to find one interesting person and actually have a decent meaningful conversation with them -- but if I were, I think my opening line would be, "So what do you think of this whole speed-dating thing?" Instantly you've created a bond because you're both in the same shoes, and it's a disarming invitation to at least be honest, whether that means thoughtful, sardonic, confessional, mundane, or utterly vapid. How someone chooses to reflect on the present moment says a lot about their self-awareness, which I think is more revealing of potential chemistry (romantic or platonic) than whether they're an ex-con or Siberian fur trapper. Ultimately, though, I think four minutes is really just enough time to decide if the people you think are attractive have any personality to back it up -- in the first glance, you've already decided who you hope will be checked (or perhaps checkmated?) at the end of the night, and all you need is an opportunity to either validate your first impression or reluctantly write them off. And being cute buys you an awful lot of slack in such situations, because hope is one dangerously powerful reality distortion field. A quick aside: I do miss NextGen. I still keep my first issue (12/96 - PS1 vs. N64 vs. Sega, seems like a lifetime ago) on the shelf out of pure nostalgia. Computer Games Mag has stepped up nicely, especially now with a regular column by Kurt Squire and Henry Jenkins, but it doesn't quite fill the void left behind for sheer brilliant irreverence. I should add I think you misplaced your sense of satiric humor re: the cover of NG 02/01, but let's not get into THAT right now. >"I play a shitload of video games." "I play rock guitar in a band." "I write about my dreams online." "I knit scarves." "I'm writing a novel.""I play D&D."< What strikes me about this list is that all but the first are creative (though even video games you transform by using them as a platform for reflection and self-expression), and half are collaborative. I wonder how many of your speed-dating partners figured out how much joy and satisfaction you find in crafting shared semi-improvisatory experience, and translating that ephemeral into permanence. (Well, and partying until dawn, apparently - Cyndi Lauper was so wise beyond her years.) Those same characteristics apply to speed dating, too, come to think of it, reminding me of the improv exercises we used to play in drama class, except with real people and real feelings. Still, maybe my glib estimation of what moves you is too general to signify anything essential, but to me it represents a certain artistic sensibility that's fiendishly hard to communicate, even to those who share it. We're kind of socially conditioned to skim the surface, the mainstream where we can all connect to a certain degree, rather than delve beneath where those of us on the relative fringes are prone to encounter fundamentally different worldviews. The freaks and geeks among us (read: the people I find most engaging) got burned early, and the more adaptive learned to cautiously represent ourselves to others in order to avoid rejection, mockery, or worse. We hide our more exotic selves behind a veneer that fits in with the subculture that we're most comfortable inhabiting. But we're all multifaceted, so which persona do you choose to show when you have only four minutes to do so? Unless I framed it as acting, compressing a range of character into a kind of speed-theater, I think I would find it unbearably limiting and frustrating. (To the extent that socializing really is a game, it seems only fair to at least play by the prevailing rules, and not consciously treat it as an opportunity to experiment with identity manipulation. In my younger days I'd often willfully set my own terms, but that mostly left people confused and/or pissed off, and I guess I prefer more genuine and constructive interaction as I get older.) Which all probably explains why, at the end of the day, I hang onto and cherish the friends that I've got instead of being out there meeting new prospects very often. Nice if you have the energy for both, to be sure, so more power to you, Jane. I love people, but I flame out fast. Well, no doubt I'm way over my posting quota, but thanks for giving me something to think about as I while away the sleepless hours trying to distill my own sources of inspiration into something that inspires others. Posted by: JP at January 30, 2004 03:20 AMThanks for the hints of wisdom... Isn't it when you're not looking for love when it strikes best? jane.. I say as long as you make your intentions clear within the first two actual dates/get togethers/etc then it's all good... then it's up to the guy on whether he wants to cultivate a friendship or set sail elsewhere... And if he foolishly falls in love with you and ignores your signs that you don't want to be in a relationship and has his heart crushed by you... well I'm sure some good poetry, song lyrics or graffiti will come out of it ;) Posted by: Gary at January 30, 2004 07:17 AMI think you are quite condescending to the people who fronted up to an event that I can't quite get my head around anyway. Perhaps that thought you were just weird? Posted by: Justin at January 30, 2004 08:35 AM"So what do you do?" Next time some guy asks you that Jane, just say: "About what?" or "I do not talk to people I do not know who ask me that!" or "Fuck off, loser" By the way Jane, who is this Jesse? if i may give my perhaps-obvious and definitely-pop-culture-shallow take on all this: the idea of going to speed-dating events purely for its entertainment/novelty factor somehow puts me to mind of miss fight club marla and her support group fixation. but then, i quite enjoyed watching her all strung out and french inhaling and drinking bad coffee at protstate cancer survivors groups. i'd give you the thumbs-up on attending speed-dating just for kicks if you promise to spend at least one evening french inhaling at the table. Posted by: melanie at January 30, 2004 10:11 AMSome of these responses are why whenever I get the urge to contemplate a career in politics, I smash the urge with a hammer. I think some of you are misinterpreting what Jane has written. Where some of you believe that she's being judgmental when it comes to a date's personality, I see her being disappointed that she was never given the opportunity to judge in the first place. The snow-boarder was the dating equivalent of the High School Has Been (tm). You all know that person. Between the ages of 14 and 18 he was the best athlete, dated the prettiest girls, yada yada yada. But he somehow becomes fixated on this particular era of his life and during social events later on, that's all he can talk about. "Remember when...", "Where has the time gone?" and "Things just aren't as good as they were back then" are some of his common phrases. And as far as I can tell, nobody despises his actual high school accomplishments. Where they take issue, is with his inability to move past a state of nostalgia whenever he's in a conversation. They'd rather hear what he's up to now, or what he thinks of the weather. Anything but what they ALREADY TAKE FOR GRANTED AS KNOWING! Jane was kind enough to provide a list of "tips" for speed dating. She was not providing a list of "things not to do" for speed dating. There is a distinct difference between these two approaches. The way I interpreted her writing, she is not telling me to refrain from sharing my love for Coldplay. She is merely pointing out that, while not everyone may dig Coldplay, liking them is not a unique characteristic of my being. Lots of people like them. But mentioning that I like and listen to Dealership despite being far removed from the SoCal scene? Now we're talking:-) One way of being interesting is to try to be unique. But we are all unique. The problem is not in being unique, but in portraying our uniqueness. Shoot me if I'm wrong, but all I gathered from Jane is that she'd prefer that the men allocate 4 minutes to trying to share very unique characteristics of their being than spouting off commonalities. Put yourself in a human resource person's shoes during an interview process. You have 500 applicants and time for 25 interviews. It's time to throw out most of the resumés. Which ones are you going to keep? The ones that describe the person as being a "team player" who is "results-focused" and effective at "maximizing productivity"? Or the ones without all the bullsh*t that show indications of intelligent human, independent thought behind their creation? More importantly, are you discounting the possibility that the person with the boilerplate resumé is not qualified for the job? Absolutely not. But they didn't do a good job at communicating why they are qualified. And that boys and girls, is what makes all the difference in life! Posted by: The Other Guy at January 30, 2004 10:40 AMi think french inhaling would be unique! no, no- jane has a fantastic ability to express herself and clearly outline her unique perception of life, etc. i think most people get that she's a generally nice person who's more interested in being real with people and enjoying the variety of folk available rather than going through the motions of everyday custom. but for those who don't get that, well, chalk that up to variety of folk, as well. like your ma said, it takes all kinds. and am i wrong in thinking the very definition of 'politician' requires a general ability to accept and deal will all manner of people? i'm sure jane of the latin tongue would know. Posted by: melanie at January 30, 2004 10:53 AMjustin has a lot to be quiet about. he has not exactly been impeccable lately. Posted by: wendy at January 30, 2004 08:10 PMdear jane, so Let me just clarify for the record that I really like snowboarding, too. And I respect that if that's what you want to do with your life, if that gives you thrill and joy and a meaning to live, then go for it! A friend of mine is contemplating quitting his job to be a snowboard instructor. I think that would be a fantastic thing for him. Another friend of mine nourishes a dream of being a professional surfer. I think it would be awesome if she went for it. And JP, the way you write about snowboarding makes me want to hit the slopes even more! But, as The Other Guy pointed out, saying you love to snowboard isn't exactly a conversation starter UNLESS you can talk about it like JP can. WHY you love something is more important that WHAT you love. Love anything, but tell me why it makes you hot and excited - whether it's violin-playing or sculpture or getting high. I think what attracts me most about a person is that he or she is engaged actively and happily in life - and if you're able to express that, it's exciting and interesting to me. But you're right, four minutes isn't a lot of time to wax philosophical on the zen of snowboarding. All you can do is a give a hint about yourself, I guess. I like the idea of speed-meeting without the romantic expectations! I would just love to meet more people who are into different things. Maybe it should be mixed, too - I mean, I didn't meet any of the other girls there! Some of them must have been cool and interesting, too. I would have liked to spend at least four minutes talking to them as well. Posted by: jane at January 31, 2004 10:27 AMI went into San Francisco from the suburbs twice for those speed-dating events. Both times I was disturbed to find that 29 out of the 30 single women were flaming anti-war liberals...the kind that doesn't want to meet any man who disagrees with their slanted ideology. Interestingly, there were better looking women in the bar both times who also had a more mild and centered philosophical view of the world and what they wanted in a man. It is no surprise that the more "desperate" SF women correlate with having extreme views and impossible standards (that a man should have lots going for him plus agree with them politically). It is basically because the speed-daters were generally less good looking than the average female bar-goer, that I realized that I would rather take my chances with the average bar-goer. Posted by: Jim Peterson at January 31, 2004 03:13 PMIt's not a bad thing to try the speed dating once, maybe twice if you love it. But for both sexes, keep in mind to: It's all about meeting new people, not finding a spouse, breaking hearts, or doing it just to see how many girls/guys pick you. Posted by: hb at January 31, 2004 05:54 PMInteresting piece..especially since I went to one of these a while back. Rightly or wrongly, I got the impression that you weren't very proactive in your interactions. Depending on how you present yourself, guys will stick to the stock questions or feel more comfortable with spontaneous/creative topics. Don't be too surprised if things start out generically as a guy tries to figure you out. Your response to a generic question can give a signal as to what YOU want to talk about. It also isn't out of line for YOU to ask the questions. I prefer a balance and get annoyed when a woman sits there in an "impress me" mode while contributing next to nothing. So....did you act according to your own expectations? Guys: unless you smalle like money and look like, what's the face today, Ashton Kutcher?, you're not going to get these bitches in the sack. Cun... Girls: Unless you are really loaded, we're going to give up, go home and play Warhammer. Guys: keep on trying and working hard. That is, trying to do the best you can in this world and making as much money as you can. Because once you're on the T-O-P, you can flash your cash at the chippies twenty years' your junior and they'll come running... Girls: this is a cycle, when you're all in your thirties and starting to sag, the men get their revenge. Posted by: Surprised Older Guy at February 1, 2004 08:40 AMhey, surprised older guy, you're an idiot. im in my 30's and way hotter (and nowhere close to sagging) than i was in my 20's, and won't sleep with anybody because of a wad of cash or a pretty face. (neither of which i presume you posess, hence the bitterness.) go blow your last 5 bucks at the titty bar, where hot girls have to be nice to you, cause with that attitude you're not gonna get shit elsewhere. Posted by: alison at February 2, 2004 11:01 AMAh, the war of the sexes is on. I dunno, I think I agree with whoever said a good strategy is to be yourself, avoid boasting about, and not expect much too much from casual encounters. For years I hardly ever got past a second date because people who are going out of their way to impress you weren't exactly what I was looking for. Perhaps it's because when you're in that type of situation, the tension can be cut with a knife, which makes the whole thing unfun, so you wonder if doing more of this isn't ultimately counterproductive. Part of the whole deal is to be confortable in one's skin, which I definitely didn't even get around until a couple of years ago. I don't think I was able to be that, and to realize that I was even remotely attractive until I was able to get used to how I looked, and that doesn't happen in your late teens, or early 20's or for some of us until your 30's. So could someone be hotter in their 30's than earlier on, or is it a case of being able to see ourselves for who we are and find beauty in that at some point? I'd say it's a bit of both. Oh, and money means absolutely nothing when it comes to people. 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