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January 22, 2004Hearth and Heart
We didn't cook together as a family, although my mother and father were both accomplished in the kitchen. My mother was the more traditional, at the time; later in life she got looser, more experimental, but the dishes I remember best from her repertoire were things like roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, apple pie, spaghetti in a marinara sauce that simmered all afternoon on the stove, oxtail soup, and a big fat goose for Christmas. My father was fond of elaborate dishes with exotic ingredients he'd spend all day shopping for - lamb curry and couscous or lamb chops with potatoes and asparagus and mint apple chutney. Although Anne and I did not participate often in the meal preparation, dinnertime was unmissable. We sat down together, talked, and excused ourselves when we were done. Although there were a few foods I didn't like back then, we weren't allowed to refuse any serving of my parents' cooking. I cried over mushy eggplant, but I ate it - albeit under the most vehement protest I could muster. I'm not sure where along the line I learned to cook. I made a birthday meal for my first serious boyfriend, when he turned twenty I think. We had a small dinner party at his parents' house in Orinda. His parents were out of town. I made vegetarian lasagna, layers of fluffy fresh cheese, vegetables, and sauce topped with paper-thin slices of eggplant under a thin layer of parmesean that crisped delightfully in the oven. Jeff claimed it was the best meal he'd ever had. I wasn't so sure. I was never sure. The end product never matched up to the vision I had started with. In the end Jeff gave up trying to convince me of my culinary talents. And maybe I stopped believing in them. Jeff always wanted to help out with the cooking, but I never could let him. Except to let him grate the cheese. I was too stressed out while preparing food to enjoy another pair of hands at the stove, and the friction between us tainted the experience. I wasn't raised to collaborate on meals. When my mom cooked, she cooked alone; and our dad also wouldn't dream of enlisting the aid of his children. So when I cooked, I cooked like an absolute queen bitch of the kitchen. As I grew older, I stopped cooking so much. I didn't like being such a control freak. Many of my boyfriends were superior chefs, and it was delightful to be able to sit and drink wine while they did all the work. I absorbed a lot from watching their various techniques, though, from simply relaxing in the kitchen while they worked. When I took the reins, I didn't allow anyone else to be in the kitchen with me unless they could chop vegetables to my exact specifications. When living with my sister, who is an excellent cook as well, I let her plan the meals and make the decisions. Anne is an inventive, explorative cook who never makes the same recipe twice. Quite a baker she is, too, of breads and cakes and pastry shells. She actually owns ceramic pie crust weights - you know, most people use old dry beans. Not Anne. It's understandable that I would feel some intimidation around my ability to perform exceptional culinary feats. Having a sister who makes rose-petal and pomegranate cake for one's birthday might have that effect. Having had boyfriends who routinely make sushi or risotto or a beautiful pot roast will do that too. And I got lazy. But slowly I discovered again how much I love to cook. I love the entire process, from strolling through a farmer's market or a really good grocery store picking out the produce, or exploring unfamiliar spices at an Indian dry good store, constructing in my mind the shape of a meal built upon the flavors and textures I encounter that hour. I love to read cookbooks even when I don't plan to make anything. I learned so much about food from reading MFK Fischer and Julia Child and Marcella Hazan. They treat even the humblest ingredients like precious jewels. Child spends an entire chapter on the proper treatment of an egg. It can bring tears to my eyes. Yesterday I was inspired. I spent the better part of the day thinking about variations on a menu for Adam and Lisa and Jesse and his roommates. I went over to Jesse's house in the evening and we went grocery shopping. We bought some very nice, dry white wine - I wanted a suave white Burgundy but it was too expensive. We settled on a crisp Chardonnay. We started to cook. Noah peeled potatoes, Jesse commanded the soup, I chopped and assembled. Cocooned in the warmth of a kitchen, wrapped in fresh, delicious smells, my heart glowed. Perhaps the wine helped a little with that, too. Relaxed, happy, I felt no stress at all as three of us moved around the kitchen set on our various tasks. I was even able to have conversations with Adam, Lisa, and Eileen without fretting over the timing of the eggs or the fish. The results of our cooking were spectacular. Jesse's classic potato-leek soup had a touch of crème fraîche for that velvety, silky finish. A voluptuous soup. The crab and asparagus frittata was soft on the inside with nice crisp edges, and a sprinkling of scallions on top. The sole was flakey and feather-light, nestled on a bed of chopped Roma tomatoes and chanterelles, poached in fresh fish stock and a dash of sweet vermouth. When the fish was done I made a roux with a little butter and flour and added the poaching liquid to it for the sauce. With the addition of cream, it was ready to be served with buttered parsley rice. More wine, and Adam's homemade cookies rounded out the meal. Noah made coffee in his stove-top espresso device, and the smokers among us enjoyed that with the delectable after-dinner cigarette. I realized something today: that all my techniques, although skillfull, had only made me half-good at cooking. True cooking has to be open and generous, not one chef's vision but a community project we all share in. That is what results in the best meals. Working in the kitchen with the people you love is the truest way to experience the sensual and spiritual pleasure of food. Somewhere along the line of my life, I'd forgotten that. What most restores and nourishes the heart is not the finished meal but the love that produces it, and the love that we share when we sit down to eat it. And now, I think I can finally consider myself a decent cook. posted by jane at January 22, 2004 09:54 AM | TrackBackComments
Wow. I am impressed not only by your eloquent telling of what would otherwise have been a mundane tale, but also by the dishes you made mention of. Rose petal and pomegranate cake? Fascinating. I am also inticed by your apparent knowledge of wine; something everyone should have, if for no other reason than to not buy crap for their guests, but something very few people truly possess. One false-measure of being fine wine connesieur (I know I probably butchered the spelling of that): expensive wine=good wine. So many people make that assumption and it is so wrong. It's like buying clothes. Sometimes the $3000 suit is not nearly so well-made or looks as divine on as the $700 suit. And foreign wine does not make for better wine either. Problem is, most people who know anything about wine are such snobs that they'll turn their nose up at anything that doesn't cost a small fortune, isn't older than them, and isn't nearly impossible to pronounce. But I digress upon my peeves. Once agai I have enjoyed your thoughts, which oddly have managed to give me insight into my own life. Talents you have in spades, my dear. A Royal Flush of spades. Posted by: Cailidin at January 22, 2004 08:43 PMJane.. been reading your blog for nearly a year and have never felt the need to comment. Time to blow that out the window. I enjoy your thoughts and experinces, keep up the good work. Marcella Hazan is a deity. "The Essentials of Classic Italian Cooking" is my holy book. Posted by: Miles Jacob at January 23, 2004 07:07 AMHmmm... the wanting to cook alone part is kinda justifiable in some circumstances: a person, whether experienced or not, needs space in a kitchen, and so unless said kitchen is designed for collaborative cooking, (i.e., with a lot of room for comfort) it's kinda hard for two people not to step on each other's toes. At least that's what I've come to learn from having a kitchen I could call my own: I like to cook first, cleanup discards and spills as time permits, while my husband likes to make sure he's making as little of a mess as he goes. We had to give up on trying to collaborate on meals because his lack of timeliness in completing tasks was driving me batty, and ditto with my relative "slovenliness". Working elbow to elbow it's hard to look the other way, so we have to alternate kitchen duty. =[ Also, stovetop Bialetti machines rock. =P Posted by: Annalisa at January 23, 2004 07:44 AMSuch a detailed text about cooking, from the dishes to the 2-in-a-kitchen affair (tee-hee ^^U), can be relating and delightful for a cooking-aficionado. I really love to cook for my dears, it's another way to express my love for them. I'm better at preparing Italian dishes as well as Chinese ones, throw in a few Arabic ones, add some "creations" of mine and end with my local food (Caribbean food, I live in Dominican Republic). Your writing is as beautiful as always Miyuki Jane, it's great that you use it to tell us about your life and at the same time tell us about OUR life, because with every piece you give to us, we can experience our own lives too (Well, I'm talking about my own personal case, I hope others feel that way too ^^U). Thanks for the reading moments!!! Posted by: Rocky Howard at January 23, 2004 09:20 AMAn enjoyable ode to a true joy in life, cooking! I think your posts raises the point that people who are afraid to cook for others are in essence afraid to take risks, since cooking is an act of sharing one's intentions and hopes, and it lays out the possibility of disappointment. Cooking reflects someone's emotional condition inherently. And its more often than not that the most caring and generous folks are also people comfortable in the kitchen, wanting to share a little bit of themselves thru stove and oven. There's so much you can learn about someone thru the way they both eat and cook.... Thank you for the eloquent reminder! Posted by: typefiend at January 23, 2004 01:34 PMI don't think that much when I cook, or about cooking. I just use The Force: "I sense a great disturbance...turn that stove down!" "The power to shread a potato is insignificant next to the versatility of my wok."
Amazing how many languages love speaks... and none of them verbal... Thank you for sharing the love... My day concluded with chocolate fondue... now THAT is love. Posted by: Gary at January 23, 2004 06:47 PMI love to cook, and I love to cook with my friends. Unfortunately, since my kitchen is miniscule, the amount of help my husband (or anyone else) can offer is rather limited (usually washing the dishes and minor prep work). On the other hand, I like to think, presumptuously perhaps, that working in such a small space has honed my skills. When I do get to cook with friends in a different (and always larger) kitchen than my own, I consider it a real blessing. There's something organic about collaborating together to produce a meal. And sharing a bottle of wine together usually manages to take my obsessive-compulsive control freak tendencies down a notch - I've been known to deliver orations on the evils of aluminum nonstick, how parmaggiano-reggiano is the only parmesean, sweet vs. salted butter, proper angles for sharpening japanese knives, the spacing of cookie dough on the baking sheet, etc. How my friends put up with it, I'll never know. But I guess that's where the wine comes in. LOL! And I *heart* Julia. Who doesn't? Posted by: connie at January 24, 2004 01:29 AMYou know, while I was in Kansas City for Grampa's funeral, one of my aunts was telling me how if I wanted to explore recipes I had, I should have a cooking party with my friends. I've got a vegan cookbook I've (sadly) used only once, and some friends back in Chicago are putting out a series of vegan recipe zines through their mail order distro. Sounds like the start of a fun evening. I know you're not vegetarian, but do you want in? Posted by: Jason at January 24, 2004 09:32 AMHi All the best Posted by: Louise at January 24, 2004 12:50 PMyour second to last line says it all. we all need to cultivate more love in our lives. or, well, i do. Posted by: ms.mo at January 24, 2004 08:22 PMA lovely evocation of culinary symphony! To me, cooking is like music for the olfactory system. Practiced alone, they're an expression of individual craft, imagination, and emotion. Practiced in concert, they take us out of ourselves, hone our senses to the rhythms of another, let our souls dance in counterpoint. They are creative manipulation of nearly infinite variables in a temporal medium. The secret to success is to surf the balance between control and submission, giving oneself over to the flow of the moment while staying ever focused on what happens next. When the experience is over, there is nothing left but memories. The great thing about cooking is you get to compose the meal, and then eat the music! Gotta love instant gratification. :-) Posted by: JP at January 24, 2004 11:52 PMI think it's too bad that you didn't get to cook with your parents. My parents were both pretty terrible cooks, so all I learned from them was opening cans, but you had a real treasure there. Do you think you absorbed some of it? It sounds as though you did. I am now trying to learn how to cook with my daughter Clare. As she gets older, I'm finding out how lovely it is to cook with your kid. So relaxing if you let go, and really exciting when she manages things for the first time on her own. I never cook with other grown-ups though. I'm afraid that my spectacular lack of skill will cause comment. So for me, unlike you, the fear of judgement appears to be worse than the fear of loss of control. Posted by: Ivy at January 26, 2004 01:28 PMAn elegy for the joys of cooking. Posted by: Robert The at February 18, 2004 08:29 AMThis brought tears to my eyes and warmth to my heart. A meal made with love is priceless. Posted by: Corinne Elaina at April 12, 2004 09:04 PMJust as a solid rock is not shaken by the storm, even so the wise are not affected by praise or blame. Posted by: Spivack Nova at May 2, 2004 03:56 PMThe way to love anything is to realize it might be lost. Posted by: Keith Heather at May 3, 2004 03:05 AMHello, nice work! I share your point of view. If you have the time visit me, you'll find interesting infos. Posted by: penis enlargement at May 23, 2004 02:28 PMGet WWW.IDEBTCONSOLIDATION.ORG the debt relief you are searching for here! Posted by: consolidate debt at June 1, 2004 10:47 AMWWW.E-CREDIT-CARD-DEBT.COM Posted by: credit card debt at June 5, 2004 08:57 AMGet www.all-debt-consolidation.org help with your credit problems here! Posted by: debt relief at June 14, 2004 12:24 AMHmmmmm interesting zapraszamy po czadowe gry java na gry java nokia,
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