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January 07, 2004la femme jalouse
i have been jealous. i despised it in myself. it was so unnecessary, so petty, so destructive. but i couldn't seem to help it. jealousy was a monster that controlled my words and actions, even, at times, my very thoughts. you can point all you like to biological bases for jealousy. yes, this reaction is apparently hardwired into our heads. but that doesn't make it any more pleasant when thrashing in the throes of its grip. one feels small and helpless, an insignificant mammal caught in some larger ugly primeval force, driven by instinct to snarl and snap at invaders of the territory. jealousy sometimes goes under cover as love. this is jealousy at its most insidious and harmful. "i'm jealous because i care, because i love." and that is why i want you all to myself; i want to know always that i am the center of your universe, because you are the center of mine. i won't permit interlopers. i won't allow you to enjoy another's company. because it threatens my position as your sun, moon, and stars. and that is the source of jealousy: this terrible insecurity. that little voice inside which nags, "am i good enough? i can't possibly be. i don't want to be rejected, to be left for someone else. what if he should love someone else more than me? what if someone else is better than me?" a tragic shame, to see women (and men - although today my subject is female, a reflection of myself) who are beautiful through and through react this way. it makes me terribly sad. i understand, i have been one. with every reason in the world to be secure, i have troubled myself about my flaws, i have obsessed over my behaviors and my appearance and my personality. insecurity like this destroys trust. it destroys love. ultimately i believe it may even destroy you. and now, what i am working on for the new year, for myself, for the rest of my life, is security that comes from within and doesn't depend on the approval of others. easy to say, and hard to do, i know. and with confidence of a self so rooted in the world comes love: unconditional love. love that allows the beloved to be free, do what he wants to do, expand and grow and run as fast as he can. if that takes him away from me, i still offer love and understanding - that his flight is not a rejection or reflection of myself, but simply something he needs to do. and i would be a very poor lover indeed if i did not let him do it. jealousy has been useful for me, teaching me these lessons, albeit at the cost of several broken hearts. i have learned that trust can not be proven; love can not be negotiated; faith cannot be earned; forgiveness cannot be bought. all must be freely given, over and over again. and when you do so, you will learn: what a truly beautiful creature you are, and love will flow to you like water to the sea, because you are worthy, and because you deserve it. and the jealousy that used to strangle you will be a tiny insignificant thing that merely pricks your finger once in a while, reminding you that after all you are still - gloriously and humbly - only human. posted by jane at January 7, 2004 02:35 PM | TrackBackComments
beautiful. reminds me of your post where anne unconditional love has been something i've been thinking about for a while. easy enough to understand, but hard to put into practice. i tried explaining it to a friend of mine and she just couldn't understand the concept. if someone hurts you, betrays you, lies to you, etc, then they're not deserving of your love. it wasn't until i asked her if she'd ever stop loving her neice that the idea got through to her. Posted by: charley at January 7, 2004 03:50 PMI am thinking of you on this dark afternoon and wishing you well. To me, you are a dear friend and I hope that this moment of insight into jealousy serves only to bolster the idea of your own worth. Posted by: sollyz at January 7, 2004 04:04 PMwow, that really was an amazing update. and it couldn't have come at a more appropriate time for me. thanks for sharing that. Posted by: ryan at January 7, 2004 04:04 PMJealousy is indeed an ugly beast - but a necessary one, I think. It isn't until you've been jealous enough to have someone push you away that you are able to achieve a sense of self-worth and independence necessary to be happy in this world. At least in my experience, that is. Oh yeah, I reckon hearts don't get broken - just dented a little from time to time. Encore une chose: il y a raison que vous ecrivez en francais - ou bien ce n'est que vous vous amusez un peu? a doppelganger just returned from beijing and yes i know i'm floating somewhere in limbo in between her destinations six months ago i broke down in hysterics in her kongzi maio two story aparment in a renovated canku warehouse jealous - you bet. i could think about love charley: yes! The weird thing about jealousy, to me, is that even when you know that it's a disguise for insecurity, when you know that it doesn't really disrupt your love for everyone involved, it doesn't let up. You can't rationalize it away, you have to wait for lucid moments to see through it. One of the reasons why 2003 was an awesome year for me is that I had more lucid moments than usual, I grew enough security to really live the way I want to. I'm still working hard on it, but it was super frustrating at the beginning when I couldn't use logic to defeat insecurity. Posted by: Lulu at January 7, 2004 10:16 PMJealousy isn't all bad. Another's attentions drifting elsewhere can be a sign that we're taking too much for granted, and a nudge of jealousy can trigger that recognition, and motivate a renewal of appreciation, affection, and passion. Similar to the poles of independence and codependence, either of which is unsustainable, with the healthy balance of interdependence borrowing from both. Or like wasabi, where a little bit tickles your eyeballs, but too much will eject your brain out through your nose! Both green, too. Hmm... --JP Posted by: JP at January 7, 2004 10:21 PMI am drifting in jealous seas, jealous because I did not write that post. So Beautiful! I know that fear you're gonna lose someone wonderful every time she smiles at someone else. Your diagnosis of insecurity is sharp, maybe might be sharper yet. How come we feel about someone our life depends on being with them, that if we lose them we'll die? If we substitute "liveliness" for "life" it might be less mysterious. With some people we're able to be lively or 'alive' in ways we don't ordinarily manage. "You make me feel so alive!" These people occur for us as accesses to parts of life in which we don't have much freedom. Losing them occurs for us as losing access to those parts of life. It genuinely does seem that if we lose them, some part of our life, to which they opened a door, will die. I fall in love from time to time with both men and women. It always pleases and excites me now: it signals I've found a portal to some part of life otherwise blocked to me. I ponder each new beloved and what freedom they represent to me. Last time was a few weeks ago. (Thank you, Nadia Kelvin, for being my avatar of happy enthusiasm. I'll always love you for it.) If there's anything in this for you, it sharpens the issue of 'insecurity' from general self-esteem to something more specific. Consider your beloved. What freedom does she represent to you? For what aspect of life is she -- for you -- an avatar? You might find when you've identified what she's an avatar of, that Jealousy's hold on you relaxes. Posted by: sjt at January 8, 2004 01:11 AMJust wanted to say, I think your site is great! All the very best. Posted by: L at January 8, 2004 08:48 AMJust wanted to say, I think your site is great! All the very best. Posted by: L at January 8, 2004 08:49 AMPar les beaux soirs d'été, j'irai dans les sentiers, Rêveur, j'en sentirai la fraicheur à mes pieds: Je ne parlerai pas, je ne penserai rien... - Arthur Rimbaud Il faut q'une seule gorgée d'une telle langue pour comprendre la séduction... je vous souhaite encore plein de chansons et de beaux soirs d'hiver. Posted by: Jer at January 8, 2004 12:25 PMBeautiful. You're right, avoiding the jealousy trap is easier said than done. Just when you feel like you can let someone be, enjoy themselves apart from you, you fall right back into it again. Sometimes over the stupidest things, says someone who has told a significant other that should they ever find someone better, they should pursue them, only to be jealous, of all things, of the person spending time on a game when one seeks their attention. That is, I think the need attention from others is one of those things that turn into addictions quite suddenly, and then you always have to be on the lookout for a relapse. Still, better to try and avoid it, than to surrender to it without a fight, no? Posted by: Annalisa at January 8, 2004 12:42 PMThank you, Jane. wisdom that is hard earned is not soon forgotten. way to go, introspective one. i do believe, however, that sometimes people try to blame someone else as being jealous/insecure when really they themselves are being disrespectful. i.e. "You're just jealous/insecure that I talk to other people." "No, I am just disrespected when you get another woman a drink and not your own girlfriend." Posted by: ms.mo at January 8, 2004 03:49 PMThis is one of the most beautiful, timely, apt & true things I've read in a while. Thanks so much! Posted by: claudine at January 8, 2004 05:37 PMThis post really resonated with me; these are issues that I have spent a lot of time exploring over pretty much my whole adult life. Working with these issues has led me to seek out alternative models for relationships; specifically, it has caused me to spend a lot of time involved in nonmonogamous relationships. Some of these relationships have been fruitful (I've been with my primary partner for close to six years now, and my oldest relationships have been working for over a decade) and some have been less fruitful (more than one person has bravely attempted to participate in this sort of relationship only to find that it isn't what they really want). But one thing I can say for sure is that it has really served to make me conscious of my approach to jealousy / insecurity / unconditional love, and I think I am better for having gone through this (continuing) process. I'm not much of a proselytizer but I'm happy to field questions from the curious. I am amazed at how much response there has been regarding jealousy. This is not to say that anyone is foolish for having responded, and it is especially not to say that our celebrant host is foolish for dealing with jealousy at times during her life, for we all have been there. But what I find most...curious, to say it politely, is how everyone has their own take on why jealousy exists in our world (or biology, chemistry, soul, etc.). Now, I know this will likely not be a popular view, and it is perhaps not being fielded in today's very "point-the-finger-elsewhere" lecture halls, but has anyone considered jealousy to be what it truly is, that being a wasting disease of the most viral means? I mean, we can talk all day and on through the night about the reasons why jealousy happens or what exists within our humanity to spark it, but in doing so we sometimes tend to ignore the unfortunate damage it does to those around us. Screw ourselves! We are primarily responsible in this world for the well-being of those around us, most specifically those we enter into our circle, and jealousy serves to do nothing but pollute our charge in that regard. Absolutely, there are those who abuse us first after a long period of attachment (re: buying another girl drinks as mentioned above), and because of said long-term attachment we do not react wisely and cast the offender on their ass, but instead becoming justifiably "jealous." Pissed off is probably more accurate, though, and here's why: A guy who buys drinks for some hussey at the bar while his girlfriend sits by and watches isn't creating jealousy, he's creating rage. He is breaking the social contract and there are repurcussions for that. He has two problems. One, not enough brain cells left between his ears to tell his heart not to hurt other people. And two, a girlfriend dumb enough to sit by and watch him do this and not kick the ever-loving shit out of him and leave him there with said hussey. Jealousy is defined as being irrational. It is the baseless and selfish guarding and over-protection of that which we, due to our own insecurities and doubts, believe is going slip away from us. If what we're trying to hold onto is already gone, as in the hypothetical above, it's too late for jealousy. This, of course, we do not want to happen, and, since jealousy is a fiercely powerful emotion, most of us find it impossible to properly articualte what it is we are feeling and so it comes across in the form of accusations, anger, and anxiety. We could be with the Virgin Freaking Mary and still find cause to be jealous if we really want to. Okay, bad example. She mysteriously got pregnant while betrothed to another man. And as a side note on that, since god never really asked her to bear the kid, much less bothered courting her with some flowers and chocolates (middle east, 2000 years ago...what did they use back then, tumbleweeds and sugared dates?), instead sending the angel to show her the two blue lines on the home pregnancy test, does that technically constitute a rape? Bloody patriarchal religions. Anyway, I guess my point is this: It's all about US, jealousy, and in more ways than the obvious. Instead of viewing it as some preternatural force that hunts us down and binds us like the Aesir (or was it the Vaanir?) did to Fenris, why not have the sack to anty-up and look at it for what it is, that being a product of our imaginations. Logical thought can show us the truth without the emotional cateracts over our eyes, and a little self-control would help us master the demon instead of fearing it or fleeing from it. This is all not to mention just a little faith in our partners (or greater wisdom in how we choose them). Jane hit the nail on the head with her thoughts, which, as a newcomer here, is something I am beginning to notice she does fairly effortlessly. I'm not exactly sure that everyone got it, but it was still beautiful to behold such wisdom in one so young. You know, puppies get jealous, too, but they don't act out about it. It's the cats who shit a steaming witch's cauldron on your pillow and still expect you to feed them. Cailidin (vVv) Posted by: Cailidin at January 9, 2004 02:17 AM<3 Posted by: lindsay at January 9, 2004 02:23 AMI feel you in theory, Jane, but overall I trust my jealousy. Nine times out of ten, i don't care when my husband is doing or who he's with, but every once in a while my jealousy rears it's head and I've found that during these times, he's doing something he really shouldn't be doing. I don't want to be the sun, moon, and stars, that would be too much pressure and I'm much too lazy. I just want to be the girl he comes home to. Jealousy has served me well. It's my warning that something is not right on his side of things. That something that should in herrantly be a part of our relationship is missing for him and he's seeking it elsewhere. It doesn't reflect on negatively on me. I am not insecure. Usually, it means that he's been devoting too much time and energy to someting else and therefore unsatisfied with what he is getting from the relationship. You get out of a realationsihp what you put in. Adam Duritz says, "Darling, it shit came out, then shit went in." I think my jealousy is justified. This may seem very unenlightened, but relationships are about sacrifice on both sides. Jealousy is a sign that someone is not doing their share and there is an inequity in the relationship. I believe that one person always loves the other person more. It sucks to be on either side of that, but in a good realtionship, no matter who loves who more, or who is more committed, but parties have to agree that they love each other enough to respect their needs and make every effort to fulfill them. Anything less is compromising yourself for someone else. It being with a person that say, I don't know, is too devoted to their work doesn't satisfy you, you shouldn't change so that your needs are less, you should just find another person. Don't loose yourself in your desire to find someone else. Don't compromise your needs. Does that make sense? Posted by: jlw at January 9, 2004 12:15 PMAre jealousy and suspicion (or intuition, or psychic premonitions, or a "spidey sense", or logical reasoning...take your pick) the same thing? Cuz once you find out that your jealous suspicion was correct it is no longer jealous, it is wise. Cailidin (vVv) Posted by: Cailidin at January 9, 2004 03:50 PMJealousy for me usually has to do with career and personal development, which you and your friends have in spades. However it usually serves as inspiration rather than something to despair about. As a proactive and helpful person, I empathize with what Souris wrote about helping yourself before you can truly help others, free of jealousy. I consider myself very lucky so far, and now it's time to stop resting on my laurels. If nothing else I can think of it as getting in a better position to help others :) Posted by: brian at January 10, 2004 12:11 PMVery nice reference! Posted by: Nina Brosh at January 10, 2004 04:20 PMSome o' youse are confusing the concept of jealousy with the concept of envy. JIC it matters.... Posted by: Billy B at January 11, 2004 03:57 AMI can be a very jealous person. tel que j'aime We provide a comprehensive list of e-pharmacies to help you get the best Online Levitra Cialis Viagra deals. 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