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December 24, 2003But Only Tonight
"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune. To lose both looks like carelessness." - Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Ernest Somewhere along the road of my life, I've failed to keep a family - or to make one. Somehow I've lost both my parents - carelessness! tsk tsk - and nearly lost my sister to bitterness the root of which I hardly remember. I've lost the comfort of several surrogate families, the warm and welcoming arms of my various boyfriends' homes. And I've failed to build my own - unwedded, unoffspringed. It never matters any other time of year but tonight. I allow myself a moment of indulgence in pathos. I have been "strong" all afternoon, reading and knitting and working and writing. But now as night falls and the rain begins and the cats leave, the house is quiet and I remember what is was like before, when I had my mother and father and sister around me. We used to have a tree every year, of course. And it would stay up past new year's, if I remember. We often had a holiday party. My mother worked all day in the kitchen and emerged with a spectacular Christmas goose, Yorkshire pudding, yams, and apple pie for dessert. We had fire in the fireplace. Anne and I got to stay up and drink a little bit of champagne, for luck. On Christmas Eve Anne and I were allowed the rare treat of spending the night on the sofa-bed in the living-room, well within spying distance of the fireplace where we knew magic happened. I don't know how we managed to fall asleep, brimming over with expectation as we were, but we did. And in the morning we unfailingly woke up before the sun came out. We rushed to our stockings to find not just chocolates and oranges and little gifts but also beautiful letters from Santa Claus, with sketches of the North Pole and special-delivery postage, written in a long, slanted, slightly shaky hand that only years later I connected with my father's. And then we got to the serious business of opening presents. Mounds of toys for us, and sometimes clothing. I can't remember what we got for our parents, ever. I am afraid that we, selfish children, did not much care. These images and sounds are so distant. I can't remember the last happy Christmas I had with that family. I was thirteen when my father fell ill - just before Christmas as I recall. Some things are forever lost. The house where we gathered has long since been sent to ash and earth. My father is a photograph on a dresser, my mother is an urn. The living room where we sat around the tree and teased the dog and surveyed how rich we were in gifts and love is a memory that only I and my sister now share; no one else is now alive who can recall that. The past - such a fragile thing, so easily destroyed. And tonight, I feel the weight of failure and loneliness. What have I done to lose this? Where have I strayed, wandered so far away from family? Certainly I rely upon beloved friends; but tonight they are all busy with their blood-relations. I don't wish to intrude, as I don't belong. I've turned off communications, such as they are; I don't wish to hear other families right now, drinking and dining in the background. Don't worry, don't weep; it's only once a year. I just have to get through tonight. The rest of the year, I make my own tribe, and it is large and varied and peopled with friends from all over the world whom I do not hesitate to think of as family. But tonight, the burden of the past and tradition forces a different, stricter definition of family on me, and I am bereft. But only for tonight. posted by jane at December 24, 2003 06:05 PM | TrackBackComments
Hi Jane. It seems once again you have beautifully expressed a sentiment that I am feeling at the very moment. I'm glad you realize that it's only for one night. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone tonight. Hang in there. Posted by: qmy5728 at December 24, 2003 06:46 PMJane, I always tell people this, Christmas is just one day a year. But I know you are grieving a larger lose. I'm sorry for your lose and that's not pity. You are a human having a human experience. We all have that in common. Take care. Hugs* Posted by: Liz at December 24, 2003 07:11 PMI've just spent half an hour staring at a blank comments text area trying to think of something to say to you that would make you feel better. And I can't think of a damn thing! Sorry. If it's thought that counts, I've just given you half an hour's worth! Perhaps the absurdity of this situation will be enough to bring you a smile:-) Posted by: The Other Guy at December 24, 2003 08:56 PMjane dear... i just finished slipping two tiny dice (one pink, one green) into your new years card. the surprise is ruined, but hopefully something to look forward to... at least a tiny little bit. it doesn't take a genius to realize that i'm up late fiddling and avoiding much the same sentiments - choosing to spend xmas alone felt strong and sensible when i was overwhelmed with work (and still warm with hugs from a thanksgiving w/the tribe). here, from my nest in the snow, i send you much love and wellwishing. Posted by: roBin at December 24, 2003 10:37 PMI am not sure if I have ever felt more alone, than on tonite... I wish you would talk to me. Posted by: CB at December 24, 2003 10:49 PMI know it's not much consolation, but I think about your situation a lot, since you posted about losing your mother. I think about how hard it must be to lose both parents. My parents separated when I was three, and I have no real memory of living with my biological father. He stopped talking to me when I was seventeen, and it was that year that he basically said "goodbye" to me on my birthday, and then I didn't even get so much as a Christmas card from him on the following holiday. That was one of my worst Christmasses ever. But it still doesn't compare to yours. Wishing you some sort of Merry today. Posted by: Bowler at December 24, 2003 11:02 PMThe midwinter feast is such a great event, particularly in higher latitudes. Here in London the day has shrunk to 8 hours, most of them grey. In the midst of this, Christmas is a burst of light, warmth and relatedness as we cluster about the fire, exchange gifts, feast and drink with those closest to us. All us humans live with our internal narrators of failure and despair. If we don't celebrate Yule with others, we spend it with our internal accusers, which is why Christmas is always such a busy time for the Samaritans. It's all bollocks, but it'll bring you down anyway. My own birth family is wary of gathering. This year Miki is with me, and though uninspired by the season, we are invited to a huge Christmas lunch with friends. Last year she was in Japan, and I brought my mum to London and we did the whole nine yards: tree, carols, lunch for 6 including a beggar invited for the second year running, and various friends otherwise seasonally stranded. Don't spend Christmas alone again, dummy. It's not good for you. Jane, reconcile with Anne. What, you gonna die still pissed with each other? Fly -- flee! -- to Chicago and celebrate with Robin. (This goes for you too, Robin.) Hire a hall and invite your gaming friends to a 48-hour LAN party. You can see from the talkback you're not the only one otherwise alone at Christmas. God rest you merry gentleman, and gentle lady writers too. Lawd bless us all, turkeys every one. Hanging in there? Posted by: The Other Guy at December 25, 2003 07:58 AMJane - thank you for saying what I feel. Here I sit, Xmas Morning, alone and gaming and surfing the web. Lat year i lost my mom to cancer, my sister to her own bitterness, my father to his new family, my wife to her own unhappiness with my unhappiness, and yesterday my girlfriend dumped me due to my non-holiday-cheer(she has needs too - and she does, and it sucks but is OK). Like you said - it really is OK, I have my own tribe. But xmas eve and xmas day it is hard, and it is OK to be sad. I know I have a great life and a family of my own making in my friends, who all love me. It is comforting to see that you feel and know the same, and that you know all is OK as well. Today, i will immerse myself in my thoughts, and meditate in my own fashion in the worlds of Age Of Conquerers, SSX3, NFS-Underground, My PC and my PS2, and tommorow I'll re-boot my soul to get rid of the holiday blue screen of death. Hey Jane. Hi Jane, I've just started reading your blog for the past couple of weeks and what you just blogged about resounded with me. I come from a culture that doesn't really celebrate Christmas but since I've moved to England, Christmas has become the one day of the year when I feel the distance of my family keenly simply because everyone else is busy with spending time with family and I'm usually making do with organising a Christmas 'orphans' party for classmates and colleagues who are in the same position. I do, however, feel it during Chinese New Year since I grew up in a huge extended family on both sides and have been used to spending the festival with a lot of people. After 8 years, I find that you learn to make do with what you have and to create new traditions, reach out to other people and cherish friends who have become family. 'Guess what I'm saying is: 'It doesn't have to be that way once you've got past grieving or feeling lost and lonely without family.' Hope you've had an uneventful and peaceful Christmas day at the very least... Posted by: glovefox at December 26, 2003 04:28 AMThank you for sharing something so intimate with me. I hope the tear that now comforts me once comforted you. Posted by: Gary at December 26, 2003 09:40 AMHi Jane, I am a long-time reader, but I've never commented before. Your voice must resonate with so many people, it certainly has resonated with me and I'm a statistic. Your writing makes me laugh and think and cry (today, cry). I won't try to comfort you but just reach out. You're an inspiration, a reminder that people can find their path in ways that defy ready-made categories. Thanks for keeping on writing and even if you're alone, a lot of people probably have you in their hearts tonight. And I don't know if you're religious... this is a religious holiday... a time to have faith in a greater good (as distant or ambiguous as this concept may seen) that will keep you in ITs heart - because if not, how can anyone go on? We are all in this together. Posted by: Julia at December 26, 2003 10:30 AMHey Jane. So if you're ever getting these feelings again just drop by my (& MJ's) place for home cookin' and blanket love (in the comfort/family style love, not the nookie under the covers love-- you already have someone for that). You're always welcome here. Jane -- I think loneliness weighs on all of us around the holidays. I see my parents and sister almost daily, and my girlfriend is always in town (or vice versa) for special occasions, but the double-edginess of the Xmas spirit gets me anyway. It's nice to lean on the traditions and feel the instant nostalgia of celebration coming together in the Hallmark/Rockwell way we idealize, but inevitably there's a huge gap between expectation and reality which creates its own sense of emptiness. Put another way, I'm not sure if I would choose the memory of a wonderful, loving environment past over the reality of a disappointing, compromised present, but neither of us has been given that choice to make. Hopefully one day you'll have the opportunity to give that perfect experience you wish for to your own children. I hold out hope that doing one's best as a parent heals some of the unjust wounds of being a child. Also, I think chosen family is at least as powerful as blood kin, but our culture (even in a highly chosen place like the Bay Area) doesn't seem ready to accept its full legitimacy yet. Anyway, I'm rambling while recovering from my own oh-my-god-how-will-I-be-able-to-recycle-the- Thanks for sharing with all of us. 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