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November 03, 2003

Trouble

Wrestling with a personal dillemma: what do you do when you feel betrayed by one you once trusted?

How difficult not to rewrite the last several years, wondering if behind each instance of friendliness there didn't lurk an opportunism, a motive so deep I still can't see it? But it's fruitless to pick over the past like that. The question is really, what happens tomorrow?

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

posted by jane at November 3, 2003 03:12 PM | TrackBack
Comments

across the street from my apartment is an ominous warehouse building
or, it could be ominous except that i know it is owned by a very nice
man named mr. alan lehman.

i know mr. lehman because one day, when i was stoned high on the latest perscription from an over-zealous student shrink i backed my car slam into his, destroying not one but two doors.

i left him a note
he was upset about the car but happy about the note
he told me i was a real lady
and when his insurance company gave him too much money, he slipped a check under my door


years later i am still living in the same apartment
with my third roommate in as many years
there was a time when i moved every six months a time with multiple addresses in far away cities and plenty of room to get lost
who knew i could sit still for so long, staring out the window
thinking about mr lehman's warehouse

he has some 'young friends' who play in band and practice there in the
evenings

one day when i crossed the street to finally introduce myself to him
(we had only ever talked on the phone) i told him their band was quite
good. he seemed genuinely relieved and happy for them.

another grey day
big trucks pull in to mr. lehman's parking lot
big empty white word files that need to be filled
smaller projects
a phone call to the doctor
notebooks and file folders from staples
a book at the library i should need
a letter that should be sent last week
a credit card bill
rotting apples - should i throw them away or make applesauce no really.

we kill time, slaughter it stomp on it so its gone and there is no
getting the morning back

more trucks pull up in front of mr. lehman's warehouse
men in flannel come out and open brown bags
half the work day is gone

eight days
before the most important deadline
a make or break moment in d's career

i worry i have somehow managed to waste not only this time but also his
staring out the grey window while the rain beats leaves that really were bright yesterday down brown into the ground.

Posted by: jo at November 4, 2003 12:08 PM

Trust is something that is hard, if not impossible to grant again to someone who's burned you once (or twice, or three times... that is to say, even if you're prone to forgiveness and second chances).

So what happens tomorrow?

You may want to confront, understand, and heal the rough patch in your friendship, but that process is long, harsh, and rarely ends with the friendship in question returning to what it once was, even if the person in question regrets having caused you to lose trust in them, and you're willing to forgive that.

But you may not have enough time, patience, or hope to patch the friendship together again. If that's the case, you might want to think of the outcome as follows (I know it's helped me part ways with one or two friends over the years): if friendship was a state that never ended, we would not have had any cause to value its existence at all. And so sometimes, some friendships must end, if for no other reason that we come to realize how precious, how special the ones that still remain are.

Posted by: Annalisa at November 4, 2003 02:03 PM

keep plugging along.

Posted by: stuzzy at November 4, 2003 02:54 PM

thanks everyone. i think it's going to be okay. tough, but okay.

Posted by: jane at November 4, 2003 03:18 PM

you tell yourself that you still believe in trust no matter what.
you tell yourself that people change, and you have to as well whether you like it or not.
you tell yourself that your emotional radar is getting more tuned.
you go out and have a greasy hamburger and forget about it.

Posted by: corbett at November 4, 2003 08:20 PM

my experience has been that usually my (and others) ego gets in the way of seeing the truth. meaning, often we see the true face of the friends and lovers we place trust in, but we somehow rationalize in our mind, "oh he/she would never treat 'me' like that." and so on. I don't know if that's your situation, but without naming names, I read a lot of a certain guy's past writings/travel logs, and it kinda stood out to me that he is big kid, in a needy/no responsibilities/not necessarily taking care of essential business way. the good la la carefree fun side of it seems to be there too, but in an around 30 year old person, it must be tempered with the other side of adult demeanor.

my ability to discern valueless relationships/friendships has improved greatly since I cut my own ego down and tried harder to view friendships totally objectively. you know those friends we gather with who love to talk heaping amounts of shit about everybody else you know? well, just imagine that you aren't there one day and for whatever reason 'you' are the target of the conversation. 'then' gauge if you 'really' like that person. people are sly, but in the main, they are very simple creatures who will show you exactly who they are if you allow yourself to take off the rose tinted glasses of ego and see them as they truly are. I don't know 'you' jane, so when I say 'you' I mean the universal 'you', as in 'us.'

some might confuse ego-based relationships with trust-based relationships. that's a mistake. ego is thinking someone won't behave badly or in a way that you don't like simply because, hey, you are a rockin' person that doesn't deserve such treatment. that's ego. trust is tangible, and you can almost literally hold it in your hands. I've met complete strangers who I've been able to trust more than some of my 'friends' and family. you 'know' when you can trust someone, simply because they walk the walk. consistently.

Posted by: Jon at November 5, 2003 12:05 AM

Jane, I occasionally read your blog as well as listen to your band but I don't really know you so I have no advice to give. What I do have is my compassion and my hope. You are welcome to both.

Posted by: kevin white at November 5, 2003 07:42 AM

"trust is tangible" - i like that.

i should clarify that this isn't about my ex-globe-trotting boy, who has never given me reason for mistrust, but about a dear friend of seven years who lied and cheated and deceived several of his friends.

i still have hope that his better nature will overcome.

Posted by: jane at November 5, 2003 08:51 AM

jane, i dont know you, but ive been following your site for a while now. ive noticed that a few posts that you have made on justin's site in response to people making negative comments or generalizations about him or his family were very angry and heated, giving the impression that you are very protective and loyal to those close to you. for that reason, i can see why someone betraying you would affect you greatly. i think your friends should appreciate what a good friend you are, and if they cant reciprocate, fuck em. i dont know about you, but as i get older i need less friends in my circle, but the ones i keep are the very best.

Posted by: alison at November 5, 2003 02:34 PM

What if this is your friend’s survival or protection mechanism? Sometimes we lie and deceive to protect ourselves from things we feel we have little or no control over. Even a conscious betrayal can have a subconscious reason. If you’ve been friends with this person for that long, I would look at the circumstance that created this issue and try to understand why.
The environment in which we grew up in and the various tasks we’ve had to deal with over the years certainly has a bearing in how we cope; deceitfulness in most cases is just a defence mechanism. It’s rarely an evil act.

Posted by: jason at November 6, 2003 04:36 AM

Good luck. You know already.

Posted by: Camilo at November 6, 2003 11:41 AM

johanna rocks. she needs her own writing space.

Posted by: denise at November 6, 2003 12:18 PM

i agree with denise! what a beautiful piece.

Posted by: jane at November 6, 2003 12:31 PM

thanks denise, and thank you jane. you're site is a beautiful inspiring place.

Posted by: jo at November 6, 2003 06:54 PM

We're happier when we have no idea what happens tomorrow because it makes life more exciting, don't you think?

Posted by: roger at November 8, 2003 05:12 PM

When someone lets me down, I remind myself of all the times I've let other people down. It makes it easier to forgive.

We're all shitty people sometimes, usually without even realizing it. The greatest thing I ever learned from Oprah is that your anger hurts nobody but yourself.

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