Umami Tsunami: Solitude

October 15, 2003

Solitude

There is a cat who lives here named Angel - though she's anything but. Surly and short-tempered, she rarely comes in the house but to eat. And when she does, she hisses angrily at the other cats who live here. But tonight Angel didn't want to go back outside when I opened the door for her. Instead she looked up at me. I put out my hand and she immediately rubbed herself against. Even this ornery and independent creature craves physical affection. I was amused by her naked desire but touched by it too. I let her curl up next to me while I type. I understand how she feels.

I almost asked my sister to give me a hug today, for no good reason. I felt a sudden need for tactile contact. But a hug would have been just the beginning. I needed to feel enduring physical affection, the kind that only comes with a long-term romantic relationship. The kind of touching that happens day to day - a hand held here, a shoulder squeezed there, a short daily phone call for no reason, falling asleep within reach of the other person. These are what are known as "grooming" touches - they are in themselves insignificant, but the pattern taken together adds up to a nourishing system of love.

We tell parents to hug their children often - if they don't get hugged, human children and monkey children, too, grow up lacking. Sick, in more ways than one. And so do human adults. After years of having a presence, however in the background it might be, a presence always there - even when far away, being able to feel love - that is gone. Every night I am alone. With the cat. And the cat doesn't really like me much.

Humans are not meant to live alone, day after day. Extended solitude drives a human mad. Lack of human contact for the long hours of winter's darkness compels me to seek signs of touch with my fingertips on the keys. Is there anyone there? Does my voice resound hollowly in the ethersphere? My unexpected tears fall unnoticed. I've annoyed the cat, who stalks away.

And I don't have an answer, only a voice echoing at me, "You have to learn to stand alone."

But I think that voice is wrong. Every instinct tells me so. We are social creatures, we biologically prefer togetherness and closeness to apartness. The richest fruits of culture are produced as a result. Our minds and bodies long to be near. Our hearts feed on and nurture each other. We are wealthiest in emotional satisfaction when we depend on each other and can feel dependable.

I feel I must go away, somewhere, somewhere that I can be distracted from what's missing in my life. Not a solution, I know, but a temporary measure - to run away from facing solitude. To stay here like this is like dying slowly, a little bit each day, as I learn to shut off my emotional receptors one by one until I'm nothing but a hollow shell that the cats will rub up against.

Ah, pay no attention to this. The melancholy will pass. How self-indulgent I've been. Just give me a few more moments to purge the tears and hopelessness and I'll wrap myself in a blanket and immerse myself in a well-loved book and slip away from reality again.

posted by jane at October 15, 2003 12:45 AM | TrackBack

Comments

Your voice -does- resound, although "hollowly" is the wrong adverb. It resounds purely enough to reach the ears of complete strangers and draw their attention to you.
Forgive me for being so brash as to assume I know you, but I believe you're strong enough to stand alone, should the need arise.

But you shouldn't, if you can help it.

I don't know whether I'm helping, hurting, or just babbling, but I couldn't stay silent. My apologies. Good night.

-ajc.

Posted by: grae at October 15, 2003 01:05 AM

When you're ready, you need to tell the ones that love you how they can help you. Take time for yourself first and mourn your loss, it's extremely draining to carry that weight.

I think the emptiness that comes from loss is really a journey. A time when part of your soul leaves you to be with them. Eventually your soul returns to complete the journey with an unexpected gift. Part of their soul comes too, a permanent voice within that will never leave.

This force speaks in memories and nudges, but it is most certainly them.

Posted by: CShelton at October 15, 2003 02:42 AM

*hugs*

Posted by: Liz at October 15, 2003 04:48 AM

As always, I hope only for the best for you.

Posted by: sollyz at October 15, 2003 07:38 AM

i got my first dog in the midst of a great breakup...but before doing so, i stayed at the home of friends for a month (i couldn't stand being alone in my apartment with my pain). they had a cat who'd curl up next to me each night. even though i'm pretty allergic to cats, a warm body was something i craved enough to take an allergy pill to deal with it.

p.s. so -- what are you going to be doing in NYC later this month (i noticed your travel itinerary on the left hand menu)? NYC is beautiful this time of year!

Posted by: C(h)ristine at October 15, 2003 08:30 AM

I hear you--everyday. I sit at my desk in my small attic office everyday, writing. I my short breaks I casually flip through the blogs in my bookmarks and I've checked unami tsunami religiously everyday (sometimes multiple times if my writing wasn't going wll) even during the long dry summer when the entries on the site dried up for lack of attention.

Now you're back, under however unhappy circumstances, but I make a point of stopping by to listen to you a few times a day--and lately, you've been here too, speaking to all of us a few times a day. it's a huge relief to me to hear how you're doing and what's on you're mind---even though i don't know you, having followed you this far, I have an interest in hearing your voice through your blog and journal. I hear it.

beyond that i won't offer any advice, but just say that I have also found myself in a situation almost identical to your own in the past, and I sought out loneliness and isolation (with my dog along for the ride) for some time after to try and . . . let things pass through or over or however they move in our lives. it helped me. that's not advice--that's just what i did.

so, this was just intended to be a short note to say that you voice is heard--when your fingers are on the keys, they are just about touching my eyes.

take care,
kevin

Posted by: kevin davis at October 15, 2003 10:37 AM

sorry, screwed up my e-mail address in the above post!

Posted by: kevin davis at October 15, 2003 10:38 AM

thank you, everyone. i feel better this morning. it's just sometimes, when it's cold and dark, it's hard.

christine, i'm going to NYC for a conference, but mainly to hang out with friends again! i love that city. and the fall is beautiful.

Posted by: jane at October 15, 2003 11:58 AM

your post is nearly word for word, or at least, sentiment for sentiment, identical to something i wrote just yesterday.

thanks
xoxo
tram

Posted by: tram at October 15, 2003 12:22 PM

Hope you have a TERRIFIC time in NYC next week! I'm itching to go out there in the next few weeks myself. If you write about it, I look forward to reading about it!

Posted by: C(h)ristine at October 15, 2003 04:24 PM

I feel exactly the way you do on a regular basis. I know it's not exactly healthy, but I can't help it. My need to be needed. I don't want to be married just yet, but subconsciously I believe I'm looking to do just that. A constant companion through thick and thin... what a wonderous creature that would be.

Posted by: Thomas at October 15, 2003 04:27 PM

"You have to learn to stand alone." THOSE words sound far too familiar. I heard them two weeks ago this thursday. *sigh* Like many others, you don't know me. But you're not alone. I'm sitting here, as the evenings get colder and colder, and I can feel it in my BONES like I never felt it before, that loneliness. I wonder what people did before the days of the internet, when silence really was silence.

Posted by: Monty at October 15, 2003 04:37 PM

Hi Jane,

You don't know me, but I've read your blog for a while... I am sad for you and even mad that you have to go through two tragedies at once, so I thought I'd write in.

I just want to say that if you're looking for human contact, I bet you could find some using online dating. I just ended a LTR, and I was feeling lonely but not looking for something serious right away, just a friend to fill the void. I did online dating -

On a whim, I posted a couple of ads online (nerve.com, craigslist w4m and craigslist casual encounters) and I got some 200 responses. I went on a number of dates and found not one but three men to spend quality time with - nothing serious, a little hooking up and laughing and back massages and movies, and "how are you" phone calls during the day, etc. No real serious conversations or anything, not a life partner, just soemone to feel good with. There is no shame in it and it feels good to have a little human touch to take away the pain and make for a smoother transition sometimes, at least while waiting for time to heal all wounds etc.

At first I thought it might be best to reflect and not try to replace what I had, but in the end I wasn't looking to replace... just to buffer my loneliness until I healed. It ended up adding levity to my situation and distracting me, and it actually worked out very well.

The internet makes it so easy, there is no reason to be yearning for romantic touch. And sometimes it doesn't take a LTR to provide something real and beautiful, that can show up in many forms including short term. (Especially since you look so good now! I noticed you lost 13 lbs and one inch of height since you last posted your stats... skinny Jane... hehe)

That's all
Take care
Per

Posted by: per at October 15, 2003 07:07 PM

??? i did??? i don't feel as if i've lost inches or pounds.... there's a new fancy electronic scale at the house now, but maybe it's broken.

and who knows how tall anyone is? sometimes i feel tall, sometimes small, it depends.

Posted by: jane at October 16, 2003 12:13 AM

I assume you and Justin broke up. I don't mean to sound so blunt, but that was on my fore-brain. Neither of you have elaborated on a break up (and rightfully so), but that is what I read between the lines.

I've posted more than a few times, but you folks have always been very busy, so I never expected a reply. You did reply. I've always respected that.

Lets see: Smart, attractive, young, "upwardly-mobile", witty and slightly (maybe more) geeky girl seeks attention and friendship? I doubt you will have a problem filling that position. Try to keep a stiff upper-lip, as the Brits are prone to say, for the future will undoubtably get brighter.

As for the recent loss of your mother, I've found we as humans are often defined more by our loss than our gains. You have endured one of the hardest experience in a humans life and are still standing. In the end, you will be stronger for it, maybe even more complete (in an emotional sense) than before. I wish you the best and I hope all is well.

Posted by: Ben TX at October 16, 2003 07:38 AM

thanks ben. i know that i won't have any trouble attracting male attention, but i feel that might be part of the problem. it's too easy to bolster myself with that. i feel like i'm searching for something deeper, i just don't know what it is...

Posted by: jane at October 16, 2003 11:00 AM

Hey Jane.

You don't know me from Adam, except that I've posted on your site a couple of times. I found you through Justin who I've been reading for years and years, and I must say I find you vastly more interesting than Amy. I've actually talked to Justin a couple of times, but then he stopped responding to me, I think because I was in the middle of a break up and my father had just died when we first started talking and he thought I was a bit of a depressed psycho. And I was.

But that's been years and I am happy now, but then I felt so alone. I remember thinking that I didn't have anyone to tell when something important happened. That's what bothered me the most. Having news with no one to tell. I did become more independent. Now I take secret pleasure in having good news and not having anyone to tell, but it's so hard to be alone. So hard to fall asleep. Everyone has been there.

I wrote about it in my blog in February, 2002. you can read it here:

http://www.geocities.com/isisinator/alone.html

It got a huge response, because we bloggers are never really alone. And while the readers may think that they know us, we know they don't, but there is a universal aloness that everyone can relate to.

You are not alone, Jane. We are all here with you. You are in my thoughts.

JLW

Posted by: jlw at October 16, 2003 01:32 PM

I'm not sure if you have seen Adaptation or not, but that movie had a concept that really stuck. Choose ONE thing and focus on it. Focus to the exclusion of all else. My stove has many pots (if you get my drift), so this advice is hard to for me to follow. But I'm trying. You should too. Try. Also I'm rereading "Generation X" by Douglas Coupland. It's helping a lot. Focus. And remember only you can take pride in your victories and only you will face the pain of you failures. Only you. You owe nothing to no one. Live your life NOW.

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