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jane smokes
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October 09, 2003

Writing Distraction

Heartbreak is good for poetry and melodramatic fiction. My creative output as I try to distract my reeling brain is voluminous. But it's difficult to concentrate on one project - I find myself drifting from one to another. The important thing right now seems to be to put the words on paper and puzzle out their meaning later.

So far I have worked on a novel that takes place partly in ancient Rome, a short story that begins with a humorous suicide note, a story in which the main character is working on a novel called "The Great Mount Fuji Reconstruction Project", a tongue-in-cheek cookbook, an Ainu fantasy set in the 8th century in Hokkaido, and some memoir-ish writing which is rather impressionistic and not at all coherent.

All of these seem somehow overdone, overblown; not grounded. As for the writing I used to do for money, I can find very little to do. Nothing interests me about games, not on a deep level. I'm not excited by the new releases that flood my email box with triumphant capital letters and exclamation points. Who cares? What about the human condition? What about suffering, faith, love, and death?

A homeless woman lives at the Tokyo train station, the Yaesu Central exit, near the bus terminal where I often caught a bus from the city to my aunt and uncle's house. She's very thin, with grey in her black hair, and she wears an oversized down jacket and track pants. Her possessions are stacked up in paper bags carefully beside her, out of the way of tax-paying citizens.She is often sitting next to her bags, talking to herself. For company, I imagine, as no one else will talk to her. She doesn't ask anyone for money, but she must get some, if only a little, as one time I noticed a small can of vending machine coffee by her side. I'm convinced she must live on vending machine drinks. Once she was not in her spot. I waited, surreptitiously, in the Tomorrowland store, waiting at the window which overlooked her nest. She came back, sat herself on the hard ground, and bent over a notebook. She was writing slowly, laboriously. I fantasized about talking to her. "Eh, Obachan, are you hungry? How about a sandwich?" Didn't she have any relations who cared for her? Didn't she have any friends? How did she end up here? Has she been abused, ill-treated, evicted? Maybe she was writing a letter of appeal to the city, maybe she was writing to a far-away family member, maybe she was writing her memoirs. To distract herself?

I makes me cry to think of her. I imagine her long days sitting there, being ignored by everyone except possibly hassled at times by the police. I imagine her in the winter with nothing to eat but sugary coffee from the vending machine. I imagine her most of all alone, with no meaningful contact with other human beings. That alone can drive any sane woman mad. I have wealth now, but it's not inconceivable to me that I may one day share her fate. No one to love, no one to care, no where to live. I am not so arrogant to suppose that I by virtue of intellect, beauty, and breeding am somehow entitled to exempt myself from misfortune, when it comes.

Next time I am in Tokyo station, I will buy her a sandwich. I regret that I did not, all the times I saw her. I will buy her a sandwich or an onigiri and speak nice words to her. It's a pitiful gesture, but perhaps it will give her a spark of hope, if she needs it.

posted by jane at October 9, 2003 10:25 AM | TrackBack
Comments

At the risk of being presumptuous ...

That wouldn't be a pitiful gesture at all. Far from it. I would say that it's a way of sharing yourself. Of fuelling hope. Of living life.

Be well, Jane. I wish you the best.

Posted by: Tin Tin at October 10, 2003 01:23 AM

It's inspiring to watch you process your pain into beautiful lyrical writing. Your depth of emotion and its expression is encouraging me on my own work as a fiction writer.

Posted by: C(h)ristine at October 10, 2003 01:24 AM

Based on your past posts and the current one, I think you might have ADD. Have a doctor check it out. Imagine that energy narrowly channeled and focused on just ONE thing. Finishing one thing, then moving, with laser-like intensity, to the next. I realized recently, after 30 years of existence, that I almost certainly have ADD myself. A lot of things made sense. The way I could procrastinate endlessly and REQUIRED pressure to finally get down to work. The way I'd do 80% of my work in the last 10% of the time. The almost physical barrier I felt when I consciously tried to focus and get something done in good time--physiological barriers were what stopped me. The countless abandoned, unfinished projects that littered my past. The endless comments, either literal or to the effect of "doesn't live up to potential" throughout formal schooling. Dropping out of grad school despite my advisor telling me I was one of the most exceptional students he'd encountered--but also the weirdest.

So go out, mix your grief with some Adderall or Ritalin and make a novel out of it. Forget the Roman fantasy, for which too much background research is needed to add authenticity. Base it on your existing intimate knowledge of the "local exoticism" of Japan. City streets, neon lighting, the crazy rush of bodies in a train station juxtaposed with the loneliness of each individual, eyes averted from each other. An old lady in a station--flashback to her past--forward to the solitary existence of the present. What happened in between? Can you splice a story, nourished by your tears, into the frame this woman provides. Or the games people play in real life. Choose one and pour yourself into it.

Focus, focus!

Posted by: Rick at October 10, 2003 05:56 AM

Jane, I don't think you have ADD -- I see grief, and a "normal" process which consists of grief with intermittent joy, a natural fluctuation of amplitude in times of pain.

As a reader, I appreciate your words and the way you are weaving the situation into art. I know many of us care and want to "fix" your situation and come up with an "instant answer," which may or may not ring well with you...but please know it is out of caring.

Posted by: C(h)ristine at October 10, 2003 06:40 AM

I'm not against medicating people, truly. But why the hell tell someone who's going through a grieving process that they might have ADD, and should be medicated?

I'd have to assume you've never gone through a period of feeling like life decides to punch you in the face at every turn. Good for you.

But otherwise, the way in which a lot of people cope with loss and grief is to focus on everything, everything aside for the loss, because no matter how centered and self aware you are, sometimes you just want to distract yourself. And that can mean taking up a myriad of projects at the same time so that you literally have too much to do in order to think.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with it, or nothing that should be medicated away, at least. When she's ready to channel her pain into one project, she will.

Posted by: Annalisa at October 10, 2003 03:49 PM

jane you are fabulous!
i suppose you 2 are dealing with it diferently....(more like you are the one actually dealing with it)

take care woman...

Posted by: erika at October 10, 2003 04:42 PM

My observation about ADD isn't because of Jane's present crisis, but rather because I think she could make good use of it (which is why I posted) And sure, I've been through bad crises, why childishly insinuate that I haven't?

Posted by: Rick at October 10, 2003 11:00 PM

huh?

Posted by: e at October 10, 2003 11:02 PM

I always find it amazing when people read someone's blog online and say to themselves "wow, I practically know this person enough, so that I know exactly what they need to do in order to fix everything that's wrong with their lives. Maybe I should tell them so".

Even if I grant you've been reading her blog over a good chunk of time, I am still left with the same impression about your first comment: why would you presume to have any idea whether she has ADD based on reading her blog? Shouldn't you keep in mind that reading a blog does not give you an ultimate picture of how a person is like?

Posted by: Annalisa at October 11, 2003 12:58 AM

pretty much anyone that runs a blog has ADD by definition. it is the internet disease.

Posted by: moe daffodil at October 11, 2003 02:38 AM

But why does it get your goat so much if somebody suggests something you don't agree with? I mean, aren't you presuming as well about why she's engrossed in myriad activities. Are you observing her in real life? The logical corollary of what you say is that people who don't know a blogger in real-life should be silent; what's the point of comments then. Jane, can you password protect the comments page--we don't deserve it

Posted by: Rick at October 11, 2003 02:48 AM

Grief creates its own energy flow. Some people are stunned into inactivity. Others become almost hyperactive. Here I see sadness resulting in some beautiful prose. More importantly the writing is helping the writer to heal.

Posted by: nubchai at October 12, 2003 05:26 PM

that ADD thing threw me off. its not ADD, its the sign of a genius.
anyways. about the homeless lady. i have had many experiences with the homeless. some good. some bad. i knew a homeless guy (mike), in his late 50's the sweetest guy. always quiet, and mumbled to himself. one day years ago i offered him $5 to help me push a cart up the street, which i had to do everynight by myself. i offered him work to help me push the cart regularly (a guranteed $5). no matter how cold, how tired he looked. he was always there ontime to help me push the ridiculously heavy cart up the street. i always paid him the $5 and whatever tips i made for the night. he turned out to be a nice guy, his past a mystery to me. all i knew on his birthday, he would not show up. i hear he gets himself a nice hotel room, and a prostitute, and lives life to the fullest. i dont know. i just thought i'd share my brush with the homeless.

Posted by: tommy jun at October 13, 2003 07:59 AM

In this grand B movie we call life, there is always a girl.

Posted by: Andrews Chester at December 10, 2003 09:27 AM

After two years in Washington, I often long for the realism and sincerity of Hollywood.

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