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August 28, 2003What Death Does
I've lost my short-term memory. I can't recall what it is that I set about to do from moment to moment. The loss of my mother is there, but sitting waiting in the background, patient as she was in life, waiting for me to be ready. In the meantime I'm sending out funeral notices and trying to condense the story of my mother's life to five paragraphs to be printed out at Kinko's. I also browse obsessively through my contact list in Outlook. Who should I tell? How should I tell? Friends from high school I haven't seen in years - should I try to contact them? Tell them? If so, what would I say? "Hi, remember me? My mom died. How are you?"
It's so silly. I've been reviewing my network on Friendster and writing testimonials, discovering that everyone I know has value. We have such fragile bonds with each other, really. A few phone calls missed, an email gone astray, and most of us stop being "friends". There are very few people, normally, whom you can be close to forever without feeling the penalties of distance and neglect. But I'm tingling with connections. Everyone I know, everyone I meet, everyone I will meet - we are all linked together, aren't we? In this life, we all share this life together, and the death of one makes me open my eyes and wonder at the life that is all around me. And what I feel most of all is love. Strange and abstract, but such a deep affection for the humans all around me working and playing and living their lives. And specific affections, too, for everyone I know, and the way I remember them in my heart: the way she listens as she pushes her glasses up her nose or the way he stroked my back briefly as he hugged me the last time I saw him; the way she squeezed my shoulder, the way she signs her emails, the way he looked in the only photograph I own of him, tall and slightly stooped, his arm around me; the way he asked me out and I almost said yes, the way she fell asleep on the floor with a cat on her tummy, the way he used to look at himself in the reflection of the store windows, the way she swears as she drives. In this way I create a cocoon around myself, making room for my mother. I reach out for each thin thread of another person's life to weave around my own, around my body, around my heart, spinning out the memory and re-working it into my own story. In this nest of love she'll be able to rest, in my heart, surrounded by the memories of everyone I love. posted by jane at August 28, 2003 11:55 PM | TrackBackComments
well said...esp. about how fragile our connections are to each other. i'm so sad that i won't be able to come to the gathering and hear those (condensed) words about your mother and be with you and everyone. i hope when i get back we'll have nice long talks about growing up and our families. isn't it amazing and wonderful that we're in our thirties and we're still changing and coming to new understandings of ourselves. my women's studies professor told me it would be that way; i didn't believe her. jeesh. it's hard to keep a perspective. your mother was so sweet when i met her at your rockin Dealership show! i believe there's a krazy plan...and that her spirit is some place so wonderful beyond our understanding. but we'll know soon enough, until then, let's keep dancing uh. Posted by: lisa nola at August 29, 2003 12:15 AMJane, that was beautiful and stinging with truth. Death is painful but definately awakens us living sleepers to more fully appreciate the life that surrounds us. Be weel, you and your are in my thoughts erika Posted by: erika at August 29, 2003 01:13 AM...beautiful... Posted by: ryan o'donnell at August 29, 2003 07:11 AMso true, and as ryan wrote.. beautiful. Posted by: edward at August 29, 2003 12:40 PMI think you've hit upon it. Love. Philosophically and physically, I recently spent an entire year of my life alone in a very lonely place, devoid of true human contact. Sure, I went through the motions, went to the job I had, walked along the street, stopping to get coffee, but I was only a shell. Inside, there was a shrunken, atrophied human being who had -yes- allowed himself to slip into despair. Then, one cold but particularly ordinary day, this human being was eating at a particularly ordinary eatery, when an old man walked up to the windows and began cleaning them. I'd seen him around earlier, walking the street with his window washing bucket and washing the windows of other establishments downtown (I guess they all pay him independantly). He was somewhere in the neighborhood of 60 years old, and bedangled with all manner of window cleaning implements. He was very tall, however, wore square rimmed glasses and had an agular face, and this lent him an air of nobility despite how much he may have slouched against the cold. I watched from inside as he cleaned the windows with quick, practiced movements. He came inside and I continued to watch him as he pulled down the hood of his jacket, and stood inside for a moment as if enjoying the warmpth he was admiring his work. He walked up to the counter to get his money. As he was leaving, he paused by the door in the same spot. While he was putting his money into his wallet, a song began playing on the radio that the employees were listening to behind the counter. It was a contemporary pop song of some sort or another, with fast lyrics blatently aimed at young female listeners. The man began bobbing his head along with the music as he finished putting his wallet back into his pocket. He looked up from this, still bobbing his head, and grinning the brightest grin I'd seen in some time. I couldn't help but join him in this, laughing out loud as much with him as at his childlike enjoyment of such an absurd song. It was at that moment that I realized something: we are all our greatest gifts to each other. No possesion you can give, no object of metal or wood, can compare to one kind word, one fun day, one bedtime story, one shared smile with an old man on a cold day. Love is where it's at. Sometimes I think this was the essence of the Buddha's permanent smile, and the reason a young man chose to wander the middle east a couple thousand years ago, telling people to stop being so darned stupid towards each other. All I know is that, since that day, I have been able to love everyone I see with a great ease, knowing that they are the Universe's gift to me (yet only insofar as I am willing to see them as such and, in turn, become my own great gift to them). I am astounded at your strength in this time, and am struck by your words. Doubtless, you felt this way before to at least some extent, but sometimes it's easy to underestimate our greatest gifts while they are still shining around us. We've never met, but I nonetheless send my love and compassion to all of you in this time. Posted by: Kyudosha at August 29, 2003 03:12 PMThe eloquence that you share with us here is touching. I am graterful that you wrote this piece. Posted by: zditty at August 29, 2003 03:52 PMOne of the few blogs I tend to come back to. Thought it would comfort to let you know that your words are read, your grief shared, and your energy admired. Posted by: johan at August 30, 2003 07:16 AMYou probably don't remember me (we only met once, for like 10 seconds), but I've been following your site for years, and I'm really sorry about what happened. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care. Posted by: john tv at August 30, 2003 07:38 PMWhen my sister died, I felt the same way. I still do, two years later. Friendship matters, so much so that no two people are ever truly strangers; the potential is always there, and it's important. All the people I've met and ever will meet are connected to me, by bonds that seem fragile, but are stronger than steel. No matter what the outcome, every person we touch affects us. Every person who touches us influences our journey through life; isn't that what life IS, in the end? Posted by: anton at August 30, 2003 08:24 PMOf all the words of mice and men, the saddest are `It might have been. 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